The Magic Number


I remember thinking in high school that I didn’t have an absolute number of kids that I wanted, but knowing that somewhere between two and four would feel right. Probably three. I was almost certain it would be three. My husband and I have two kids. If you had asked my mom when she was 13 how many kids she wanted she would have told you none, that kids were whiny and messy and fine to babysit but not to have any of your own.  I have other friends that have one child and they planned for that all along.  One and done. And I don’t think that how we think it’s going to play out is necessarily what is important. We don’t always get to choose how our family is going to look, and this is what I have been meditating on lately. Am I any less “mom” because I decided not to have the three kids that initially imagined?

I follow a lot of homesteading and homeschooling moms on instagram simply because those are the moms whose lifestyles and values tend to play most closely to my own. We are not homeschooling our daughter but that has more to do with her personality than it does our opinion of homeschool…and the jury is still out with our son. 😉 He is quite the mama’s boy… But as I read stories and look at pictures of these family’s lives I find myself often feeling juxtaposed in a way that probably seems very silly but I still cannot ignore. Most the these women who are raising their kids how I try to raise my own and who are homemaking and raising chickens and drinking kombucha…they all have a brood of kiddos. Four kids at least. A couple of girls to play dolls and make daisy chains together. A couple of boys to go climb the tallest tree together and come home filthy and muddy. Now I’m obviously generalizing (and gender stereotyping) but I hope my heart comes across when I say that I’m not choosing that for my own family but I still yearn for it. I do. I want a brood too! I would have loved to give my daughter and sister and my son a brother. I would have loved for them to grow up in a loud and loving clan like I did. But I’m not going to. And while it is not an easy decision, it’s one that I feel complete peace in. Mostly because I know that is not God’s desire for our home to biologically have more children. I often feel like we pushed the envelope with our two beautiful babies. They were very easy pregnancies but traumatic deliveries. And I can’t do that again. And my husband can’t do that again. And when Big Sister still asks after a year and a half if her baby brother is ever going to have to have tubes again, I know that she can’t do that again either. Now in reality I know we could. Of course we could. But we’re not being asked to. So given the chance, we are saying we’re done. So I am left with calm in my heart and these painful tendrils of inadequacy. I wonder if I’m being selfish. I wonder if I will regret my decision later. I wonder why I feel like I need to have a surplus of kids in order to feel like I’m worthy of being crowned “Mom”. I wonder if maybe we got pregnant one more time that this delivery would be smooth and this baby wouldn’t need intervention after birth. I wonder and I fret and I worry. And then I stop. And I look at how much my daughter and son adore each other. And I look at us, our family, our clan, and I know we are so completely and utterly complete. And I shush my doubts and I don my Mother crown. My children are still young and I still have so much time with them. Two of them. Two wild and wondrous spirits that I get to foster into adulthood and then set free. And I made them. Both of them. Two babies…




64,690 thoughts on “The Magic Number”

  1. An impressive share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a friend who had been doing a little homework on this. And he actually ordered me lunch simply because I discovered it for him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending some time to discuss this subject here on your web site.|

  2. Hello fantastic blog! Does running a blog similar to this take a large amount of work? I’ve absolutely no understanding of programming however I was hoping to start my own blog soon. Anyways, if you have any suggestions or tips for new blog owners please share. I know this is off subject however I simply wanted to ask. Thanks a lot!|

  3. Please let me know if you’re looking for a author for your weblog. You have some really great articles and I think I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some articles for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please shoot me an e-mail if interested. Thank you!|

  4. Usually I do not read article on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very forced me to check out and do it! Your writing style has been amazed me. Thanks, quite great post.|

  5. that I could have the first 6 months free. I took them up on it cause, you know, free advertising is hard to come by. I just didn’t know if their somewhat aggressive approaches actually lead to clientele….guess we will wait and see.

  6. 始まってから気付いた場合でも、公開された動画を参考にすれば、終了前にキャンセルができる。  カスペルスキーによると、同マルウエアは今年4月、NSAの流出文書からこの欠陥を発見したと主張するハッカー集団「シャドー・ブローカーズ(Shadow Brokers)」によって公開された。 [url=]windows 10 アップデート[/url]
    21日再び朝愛知県23日朝京都と東奔西走で忙しかったので昼過ぎに桑名の永楽のゆへ。 ちょと他界kingsoftはマクロ対応しているが完全ではない。
    [url=]produkey windows 10[/url] ATOKはかなり使い込んで、辞書登録データもあったのですがこれも利用できずに、当初は不自由しましたが、最近は慣れてきていました。 /img/hard-71.jpg`1983年06月`/box/_UbgLH日本パソコン既存メーカーに対して出遅れた家電メーカーの団結を背景として、MSX規格が考案されて発表された。
    [url=]office2013 メディア 購入[/url]
    履歴を見ると、延々とMSEの定義の更新が続いているような状態です。 それらを駆使して,Monarch Solutionsの私兵と戦うのだが,ピストルやサブマシンガンといった武器は倒した相手から入手することもできる。 [url=]office2013 プロダクト キー[/url]
    予想実売価格は税別24,800円となっている。 Windows Helloの場合、PINは特定のデバイスに対してのみ機能する。
    [url=]office 2013 激安[/url] 1991年までに、ストールマンたちはほとんどすべてのUnixをリライトすることに成功した。 そこを担うのが、トレンドマイクロだからできる最新のコアテクノロジー「トレンドマイクロ スマートプロテクション ネットワーク(以下、SPN)」技術です。
    [url=]win 10 インストール[/url]

  7. 11 juillet 2012Aw, this was a really nice post. In concept I would like to put in writing like this additionally – taking time and precise effort to make a very good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and under no circumstances appear to get one thing done.  

  8. In this grand scheme of things you get an A just for hard work. Exactly where you confused me personally ended up being on your facts. You know, as the maxim goes, details make or break the argument.. And it couldn’t be more true in this article. Having said that, allow me tell you what did do the job. Your writing is very powerful and this is most likely why I am taking an effort in order to comment. I do not really make it a regular habit of doing that. 2nd, despite the fact that I can certainly notice the leaps in reason you make, I am not confident of how you seem to unite your points which inturn produce the final result. For now I will, no doubt yield to your position however wish in the foreseeable future you connect your facts better.

  9. 大文兄: First of all, happy new year and I look forward to more of your writings. Your newest serie really got me thinking. As a person looking to have my own child in a couple of years. I really have to plan a little as to how to raise him/her. Hope you have a great year ahead. I really lack the language skills to write like you, but I am in process of making a website about my travelling experiences. I will send you the link when I am done.Desertfox

  10. Lui nevastă-sa îi place. Am înÅ£eles că şi fiicelor lui. Ai ceva împotrivă?Mai este domnul Boc şi încă cîţiva. Consumi pixelii degeaba. Încearcă să consumi ceva neuroni înainte de afirmaÅ£ii din astea… pro-funde , Adi.

  11. That last sentence was awesome, “If you are not satisfied and do nothing then you shoulder all of the blame. We are now in week 3 of 2013 with only 49 left to go – are you still standing still?”Great challenge.

  12. I wish I could cancel my Astronomy class next Tuesday night to see the season opener live on TV, instead of DVR’d, but I already missed last Tuesday in the Angel’s blowout game, poor sT… I will have to remember not to come here, before I watch it delayed. Maybe I should just drop this class, since every single Tuesday night this will happen, until mid December.

  13. Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your blog. You have some really great posts and I think I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some content for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please blast me an e-mail if interested. Thank you!|

  14. After I originally commented I seem to have clicked on the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now every time a comment is added I get 4 emails with the same comment. Perhaps there is a means you are able to remove me from that service? Cheers!|

  15. I feel that is one of the most vital info for me. And i’m glad reading your article. However want to commentary on few normal things, The website taste is great, the articles is really nice : D. Just right process, cheers|

  16. Howdy! This blog post could not be written much better! Going through this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept talking about this. I am going to send this post to him. Fairly certain he’ll have a very good read. I appreciate you for sharing!|

  17. I do consider all of the ideas you’ve introduced on your post. They are very convincing and can definitely work. Still, the posts are very quick for novices. Could you please extend them a little from subsequent time? Thanks for the post.

  18. Parece-me estranho termos apenas um lateral direito. Para quem quer estar em (pelo menos) três frentes, parece-me curto. Se a isto acrescentarmos as indefinições do lado esquerdo da defesa, e a ausência de outro médio centro (no ano passado o Javi lesionou-se e foi o que se viu), as coisas ficam ainda mais estranhas. Quanto ao Rui Costa, também não entendo. Teve protagonismo na época de Quique e na primeira época de JJ, mas depois desapareceu. Gostava de saber ao certo quais são as funções que desempenha. Abraço.

  19. So, Ed, if all those other methods of creating a massacre are so available, why do the creeps prefer guns about 90% of the time? Is it because it’s more difficult to park a rent-a-truck behind a stage or in a classroom while buying a gun is so convenient? Or do the gunners just want to get down and personal, while people like Timothy McVeigh were just plain cowards (as well as being a Neo-Nazi)? Maybe you should look up Laurie Dann from murderers of the past. She was nuts and a murderer.

  20. Questa volta mi hai commosso troppo.Con le parole, sempre azzeccate, e con i ricordi, ormai incisi in maniera indelebile, e con le sensazioni, che non si sono perse nel raccontarle, ma le hai fatte rifiorire, almeno in me. :*

  21. このWindows 8のスタートメニューは、タッチパネルのついていないマシンを使う上では、鬱陶しいものこの上ないことは事実だと思います。 静的なチ ーミングモードを使用するためにチームを構成します。 [url=]windows8 1 ダウンロード[/url]
    また,セッションの終盤には「Project Scorpio」と「Xbox One S」に関する言及もあった。 最新のものや古いものでは違う場合があるため、各PCメーカーのサイトで確認をすること。
    [url=]win8.1 アップグレード[/url] 昨年の暮れごろから、墓場まで持って行くPCを計画していまして部品選択にあれこれ、情弱な知識と少なくなった脳みそで考えています。 ⑤の2  画面右側にファイル名、撮影日 サイズ ファイルパスなどが確認できます。
    [url=]office2013 personal 価格[/url]
    Windowsの更新はいつもはそれをすぐに見つけてしまい、自動ではなく手動で更新を起動してしまっているので、パソコンが自動での更新を行ってそれにあとで気がついたのは久しぶりではないかと思う。 どの 3 つの構成は DHCP から Lync Phone Edition デバ゗スに適用す べきか?( 全ての正しい答えはソリューションの一部を紹介する。 [url=]office2013 メディア 購入[/url]
        A班は午前9時半から       楽研横丁の 「PC楽研」も、今日から(6月7日)本格的に始まりました。 例えば上図の「mojisan」フォルダをダブルクリックします。
    [url=]windows 8.1 の インストール[/url] 「Spinel3」フォルダ内の「Spinel.exe」をダブルクリックし、起動しておく。 JapanCertを利用したら、あなたは楽に試験に受かることができます。
    [url=]windows8 セットアップ[/url]

  22. I’m really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your weblog.
    Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself?
    Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to see
    a nice blog like this one nowadays.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *