The Magic Number

betty-and-mama

I remember thinking in high school that I didn’t have an absolute number of kids that I wanted, but knowing that somewhere between two and four would feel right. Probably three. I was almost certain it would be three. My husband and I have two kids. If you had asked my mom when she was 13 how many kids she wanted she would have told you none, that kids were whiny and messy and fine to babysit but not to have any of your own.  I have other friends that have one child and they planned for that all along.  One and done. And I don’t think that how we think it’s going to play out is necessarily what is important. We don’t always get to choose how our family is going to look, and this is what I have been meditating on lately. Am I any less “mom” because I decided not to have the three kids that initially imagined?

I follow a lot of homesteading and homeschooling moms on instagram simply because those are the moms whose lifestyles and values tend to play most closely to my own. We are not homeschooling our daughter but that has more to do with her personality than it does our opinion of homeschool…and the jury is still out with our son. 😉 He is quite the mama’s boy… But as I read stories and look at pictures of these family’s lives I find myself often feeling juxtaposed in a way that probably seems very silly but I still cannot ignore. Most the these women who are raising their kids how I try to raise my own and who are homemaking and raising chickens and drinking kombucha…they all have a brood of kiddos. Four kids at least. A couple of girls to play dolls and make daisy chains together. A couple of boys to go climb the tallest tree together and come home filthy and muddy. Now I’m obviously generalizing (and gender stereotyping) but I hope my heart comes across when I say that I’m not choosing that for my own family but I still yearn for it. I do. I want a brood too! I would have loved to give my daughter and sister and my son a brother. I would have loved for them to grow up in a loud and loving clan like I did. But I’m not going to. And while it is not an easy decision, it’s one that I feel complete peace in. Mostly because I know that is not God’s desire for our home to biologically have more children. I often feel like we pushed the envelope with our two beautiful babies. They were very easy pregnancies but traumatic deliveries. And I can’t do that again. And my husband can’t do that again. And when Big Sister still asks after a year and a half if her baby brother is ever going to have to have tubes again, I know that she can’t do that again either. Now in reality I know we could. Of course we could. But we’re not being asked to. So given the chance, we are saying we’re done. So I am left with calm in my heart and these painful tendrils of inadequacy. I wonder if I’m being selfish. I wonder if I will regret my decision later. I wonder why I feel like I need to have a surplus of kids in order to feel like I’m worthy of being crowned “Mom”. I wonder if maybe we got pregnant one more time that this delivery would be smooth and this baby wouldn’t need intervention after birth. I wonder and I fret and I worry. And then I stop. And I look at how much my daughter and son adore each other. And I look at us, our family, our clan, and I know we are so completely and utterly complete. And I shush my doubts and I don my Mother crown. My children are still young and I still have so much time with them. Two of them. Two wild and wondrous spirits that I get to foster into adulthood and then set free. And I made them. Both of them. Two babies…

 

 

 

29,663 thoughts on “The Magic Number”

  1. Yesterday i read some amazing info about Omega 3 stuff and now i really wanna get it. But i’m not absolutely sure which pluses will i have. I’ve found this omega 3 info , and currently i wanna get it with good price. Any idea?

  2. what is the price of cialis in canada

    the full report bonuses

    Viagra & Cialis In Canada – Buy Sildenafil Tadalafil Online healthviagracialisincanada.com
    [url=http://healthviagracialisincanada.com/]cheap viagra from canada[/url]

    buying cialis in/canada

  3. May I just say what a comfort to uncover somebody who truly understands what they are discussing online.

    You actually realize how to bring a problem to light and make it
    important. A lot more people have to look at this and understand this
    side of the story. I was surprised you aren’t more
    popular because you surely have the gift.

  4. Hi there just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few
    of the pictures aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why
    but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different web
    browsers and both show the same outcome.

  5. Oh my goodness! a tremendous article dude. Thank you However I am experiencing situation with ur rss . Don’t know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anyone getting identical rss downside? Anyone who is aware of kindly respond. Thnkx

  6. Pests like ants, cockroaches, moths, moles, bedbugs, bees,
    beetles and also flies, to name a few, can make your life difficult.
    Not only do they damage furnishings as well as electric home
    appliances, they additionally present a big health issue.
    So, in a home ravaged with pets, it’s safe to say that absolutely nothing and nobody is risk-free!

  7. You actually make it appear so easy with your presentation however I to find this matter to be
    really one thing which I believe I would by no means understand.
    It kind of feels too complex and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I will try
    to get the grasp of it!

  8. we can not predict our future and stop undesirable
    things from happening, having insurance bond cover
    is a requirement. However you should choose thoroughly.
    Do not just select exactly what the agent tells you.
    Review policy documents to recognize exactly what is covered,
    what functions are supplied and just what events are left out
    from being guaranteed.

  9. GSA concentrates on the manufacturing of unique internet marketing style software,
    apart from the online search engine Ranker various
    other software application generated by GSA are Platform Ranker, Address Completion, Email Spider, Captcha Breaker and a
    host of others.

  10. I do not even know how I finished up here, but I believed this submit
    was once great. I do not understand who you’re but definitely you’re going to
    a well-known blogger when you are not already.

    Cheers!

  11. Heya excellent website! Does running a blog like this require a great deal of work?
    I have absolutely no understanding of coding however I was hoping to start my own blog soon. Anyway, should you have
    any suggestions or techniques for new blog owners please share.
    I understand this is off topic but I just needed to ask. Thank you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *