The Magic Number


I remember thinking in high school that I didn’t have an absolute number of kids that I wanted, but knowing that somewhere between two and four would feel right. Probably three. I was almost certain it would be three. My husband and I have two kids. If you had asked my mom when she was 13 how many kids she wanted she would have told you none, that kids were whiny and messy and fine to babysit but not to have any of your own.  I have other friends that have one child and they planned for that all along.  One and done. And I don’t think that how we think it’s going to play out is necessarily what is important. We don’t always get to choose how our family is going to look, and this is what I have been meditating on lately. Am I any less “mom” because I decided not to have the three kids that initially imagined?

I follow a lot of homesteading and homeschooling moms on instagram simply because those are the moms whose lifestyles and values tend to play most closely to my own. We are not homeschooling our daughter but that has more to do with her personality than it does our opinion of homeschool…and the jury is still out with our son. 😉 He is quite the mama’s boy… But as I read stories and look at pictures of these family’s lives I find myself often feeling juxtaposed in a way that probably seems very silly but I still cannot ignore. Most the these women who are raising their kids how I try to raise my own and who are homemaking and raising chickens and drinking kombucha…they all have a brood of kiddos. Four kids at least. A couple of girls to play dolls and make daisy chains together. A couple of boys to go climb the tallest tree together and come home filthy and muddy. Now I’m obviously generalizing (and gender stereotyping) but I hope my heart comes across when I say that I’m not choosing that for my own family but I still yearn for it. I do. I want a brood too! I would have loved to give my daughter and sister and my son a brother. I would have loved for them to grow up in a loud and loving clan like I did. But I’m not going to. And while it is not an easy decision, it’s one that I feel complete peace in. Mostly because I know that is not God’s desire for our home to biologically have more children. I often feel like we pushed the envelope with our two beautiful babies. They were very easy pregnancies but traumatic deliveries. And I can’t do that again. And my husband can’t do that again. And when Big Sister still asks after a year and a half if her baby brother is ever going to have to have tubes again, I know that she can’t do that again either. Now in reality I know we could. Of course we could. But we’re not being asked to. So given the chance, we are saying we’re done. So I am left with calm in my heart and these painful tendrils of inadequacy. I wonder if I’m being selfish. I wonder if I will regret my decision later. I wonder why I feel like I need to have a surplus of kids in order to feel like I’m worthy of being crowned “Mom”. I wonder if maybe we got pregnant one more time that this delivery would be smooth and this baby wouldn’t need intervention after birth. I wonder and I fret and I worry. And then I stop. And I look at how much my daughter and son adore each other. And I look at us, our family, our clan, and I know we are so completely and utterly complete. And I shush my doubts and I don my Mother crown. My children are still young and I still have so much time with them. Two of them. Two wild and wondrous spirits that I get to foster into adulthood and then set free. And I made them. Both of them. Two babies…




78,242 thoughts on “The Magic Number”

  1. Hallo! Ich hätte schwören können, ich habe bsuchten Blog vor, sonderdn nach
    Durchblättern ein paar der Artikel Icch erkannte,
    es ist neu für mich. Anyways, ich bbin auf jeden Fall freuen ich gestolpert es, und ich werde seikn bucjen -marking es und die Kontrolle zurück häufig

  2. Ꮤhen some one searches fօr his required thing, thus he/she wants to
    be available that in detail, so that thіng is maintained over here.

  3. Sorry for off-topic, I am considering about making an instructive site as a student. May probably start with submitting interesting facts such as”A spider’s web is not a home, but rather a trap for its food. They are as individual as snowflakes, with no two ever being the same. Some tropical spiders have built webs over eighteen feet across.”Please let me know if you know where I can find some related info such as right here

  4. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post’s to be just
    what I’m looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content in your case?
    I wouldn’t mind creating a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write regarding here.
    Again, awesome blog!

  5. Gгeat blօg right һere! Additionally your web sitee lots uρр very fast!
    What host aare you the use of? Cann I get your affiliate link for
    your host? I want my website loaded up as fasdt as yours lol

  6. Thanks for ones marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.I
    will be sure to bookmark your blog and definitely will come back from now on. I want to encourage continue your great writing, have a nice weekend!

  7. Es ist perfect Zeit, eiin paar Pläne für die Zukunft zu machen unnd es
    istt es Zeit, um glücklich zu sein.Ich habe lesen diesen Beitrag und wenn ich könnte Wunsch, schlage vor, Sie paar einige interessante
    Dinge odedr Tipps. Vielleicht kann schreiben nächsten Artikel, ddie sich auf diesen Artikel.

    I Wunsch, noch Dinge über sie!

  8. A person necessarily assist to make seriously articles I would state.

    That is the very first time I frequented your website page
    and so far? I amazed with the research you made to create
    this actual post extraordinary. Wonderful job!

  9. I got this ѕitе from my buddy wһo informed me about this ᴡebsite and at the moment thiѕ time I ɑm visitіng this website and
    reading very informative posts here.

  10. Hello there Ι am ѕo glad I fⲟund your blog,
    I really found you by accident, while I was browsing on Bing
    for something else, Nonetheless I amm here noow and would just like tօ
    say thank you for a marveloսs рoѕt and a all round thrilling blog (Ι also love the
    theme/dеsign), I don’t have time to look over it
    аll at the minute butt I have saved it annd also added your RSS feeɗs, so when I hаve time I will be back to read
    much more, Pleasе do keep up the superb

  11. Thanks for your marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading
    it, you could be a great author.I will make certain to bookmark your blog and may
    come back from now on. I want to encourage you to definitely continue your great work,
    have a nice holiday weekend!

  12. I am really loving the theme/design of your web site. Do you
    ever run into any web browser compatibility issues? A number
    of my blog readers have complained about my website
    not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Firefox.
    Do you have any solutions to help fix this issue?

  13. Eschew to today, when there is a supererogation of anti aging overcharge snatch safe keeping of to products like creams, serums, gels and powders that all ascendancy over to be this well-head of youth. Some appointment their anti aging deception including ingredients that beget a ton of well-ordered exploration and fantasy on how incrustation ages to bankroll b abandon them up and some are pasteurized hype.

  14. I apologize for off-topic, I’m considering about creating an enlightening site for college kids. May probably commence with submitting interesting facts like”Fish that live more than 800 meters below the ocean surface don’t have eyes.”Please let me know if you know where I can find some related info like here

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *