The Magic Number

betty-and-mama

I remember thinking in high school that I didn’t have an absolute number of kids that I wanted, but knowing that somewhere between two and four would feel right. Probably three. I was almost certain it would be three. My husband and I have two kids. If you had asked my mom when she was 13 how many kids she wanted she would have told you none, that kids were whiny and messy and fine to babysit but not to have any of your own.  I have other friends that have one child and they planned for that all along.  One and done. And I don’t think that how we think it’s going to play out is necessarily what is important. We don’t always get to choose how our family is going to look, and this is what I have been meditating on lately. Am I any less “mom” because I decided not to have the three kids that initially imagined?

I follow a lot of homesteading and homeschooling moms on instagram simply because those are the moms whose lifestyles and values tend to play most closely to my own. We are not homeschooling our daughter but that has more to do with her personality than it does our opinion of homeschool…and the jury is still out with our son. 😉 He is quite the mama’s boy… But as I read stories and look at pictures of these family’s lives I find myself often feeling juxtaposed in a way that probably seems very silly but I still cannot ignore. Most the these women who are raising their kids how I try to raise my own and who are homemaking and raising chickens and drinking kombucha…they all have a brood of kiddos. Four kids at least. A couple of girls to play dolls and make daisy chains together. A couple of boys to go climb the tallest tree together and come home filthy and muddy. Now I’m obviously generalizing (and gender stereotyping) but I hope my heart comes across when I say that I’m not choosing that for my own family but I still yearn for it. I do. I want a brood too! I would have loved to give my daughter and sister and my son a brother. I would have loved for them to grow up in a loud and loving clan like I did. But I’m not going to. And while it is not an easy decision, it’s one that I feel complete peace in. Mostly because I know that is not God’s desire for our home to biologically have more children. I often feel like we pushed the envelope with our two beautiful babies. They were very easy pregnancies but traumatic deliveries. And I can’t do that again. And my husband can’t do that again. And when Big Sister still asks after a year and a half if her baby brother is ever going to have to have tubes again, I know that she can’t do that again either. Now in reality I know we could. Of course we could. But we’re not being asked to. So given the chance, we are saying we’re done. So I am left with calm in my heart and these painful tendrils of inadequacy. I wonder if I’m being selfish. I wonder if I will regret my decision later. I wonder why I feel like I need to have a surplus of kids in order to feel like I’m worthy of being crowned “Mom”. I wonder if maybe we got pregnant one more time that this delivery would be smooth and this baby wouldn’t need intervention after birth. I wonder and I fret and I worry. And then I stop. And I look at how much my daughter and son adore each other. And I look at us, our family, our clan, and I know we are so completely and utterly complete. And I shush my doubts and I don my Mother crown. My children are still young and I still have so much time with them. Two of them. Two wild and wondrous spirits that I get to foster into adulthood and then set free. And I made them. Both of them. Two babies…

 

 

 

87,926 thoughts on “The Magic Number”

  1. Greetings from Idaho! I’m bored to death at work so I decided to browse your blog
    on my iphone during lunch break. I really like the knowledge you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home.
    I’m shocked at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone ..

    I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, amazing blog!

  2. Your point is the critical point ciisi.32essay.com/for-students/time-is-gold-essay-in-english.html of your essay. It is essentially similar dictum that says what the go is about. In return benchmark, your general idea effectiveness be Dogs are descended from wolves. You can gluhit.32essay.com/for-students/bipolar-writers.html then profit through this as the prime proposition to inscribe your unconditional disquisition, and all of the different points fully provision to standard underwrite to this joined first thesis.

  3. After looking into a few of the blog articles
    on your web page, I truly appreciate your way of writing a blog.
    I bookmarked it to my bookmark webpage list and will be
    checking back in the near future. Please visit my web site too and tell me what you think.
    Tumblr

  4. Hi there, of course this post is genuinely fastidious
    and I have learned lot of things from it concerning blogging.
    thanks.

  5. Shrivelling to today, when there is a over-abundance of anti aging victimize trouble products like sedis.cremegoji.nl/hulp-van-de-dokter/louis-widmer-zonnebrand-kind.html creams, serums, gels and powders that all need to be this fount of youth. Some pass on lifi.gojigezicht.nl/hoe-te-solliciteren/l-oreal-face-cream-boots.html their anti aging trick washing one’s hands of ingredients that beget a ton of well-regulated research inlu.gojimasker.nl/instructies/jurk-donkerblauw.html and dissection on how lamina ages to side with them up and some are uninfected hype.

  6. 中国美食历史积厚流光,其中更是包含了华夏民族对美食的酷爱。鲁、川、粤、闽、苏、浙、湘、徽菜系为中国的“八大菜系”,川菜的辛辣.&#319

  7. 民国文人齐如山有两个喜好:一个是捧梅兰芳,一个是吃好吃的。捧梅兰芳捧出了一个“梅博士”,吃好吃的让他播种了世间厚味,并写出了&#1229

  8. Wunder Artikel! Das ist ddie Artt von info das sollte geteilt werden über die Internet.
    Shame um Google für jetzt nicht Positionierung dieser Veröffentlichen oben! Kommen Sie vorbei und mit diskutieren website.

    Danke =)

  9. Wow, amazing blog structure! How lengthy have you been running a blog for?
    you made blogging glance easy. The total glance of your website is magnificent, as neatly
    as the content material!

  10. Count on slack to today, when there is a surfeit of anti aging pellicle favourable to to products like waimar.cremegoji.nl/juist-om-te-doen/wat-is-de-beste-onkruidbestrijder.html creams, serums, gels and powders that all holler to be this genesis of youth. Some illusion up bhasal.cremegoji.nl/help-jezelf/waarde-van-echte-parels.html their anti aging chimera sometimes non-standard due to ingredients that have a ton of well-regulated scrutinize deadto.gojigezicht.nl/voor-de-gezondheid/dior-prestige-la-creme-review.html and bone up on on how lamina ages to side with them up and some are suppositional hype.

  11. 野菌养生汤、火瞳扁尖老鸭汤、一品骨头汤……美美的春天,最幸福的不外是来上一碗甘旨的高汤了。从小到大,我对汤的热情就从未消退过,联&#215

  12. I’m reaⅼly impressed together with your writring tаlents and alsο with the lаyout for your blog.
    Is tuat thіs a paid theme orr dіd you modifʏ it yolur self?
    Anywazy stay up the excellent quality wrіting, iit iss rare to loօk а
    greаt blog like this one today..

  13. Having read this I believed it was really enlightening.

    I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this article together.
    I once again find myself spending way too much time
    both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was still worthwhile!

  14. Defіnitely believe that which you stated. Your fаvorіte reason sеemed to be
    on the net the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I certaіnly get irkeɗ while
    people consider worries that they plainly do not know about.
    You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defіned out the ѡhole thing witһοut having side effect , people can take a signal.
    Will likely be back tߋ get more. Thanks

  15. 有人说最幸福的三件事就是〝娶日本的老婆,吃中国的美食,住英国的屋子。〞西方人说“面包会有的,所有都会有的。〞 有食物才干有老婆&#21

  16. Hi there, I found your site by way off Google whilst searching for a
    similar matter, your site came up, it appears to be
    like good. I hаve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

    Helⅼo there, just became аware of your blog vіa
    Google, and found that it is really informative. I am going to be careful for brսssels.
    I will appreciate fоr those wһo continue this in future.

    Lots ߋf other folks ѡill likely be benefited out of your writing.
    Cheers!

  17. Your assertion is the critical apex hegan.32essay.com/how-to-write/zen-essays.html of your essay. It is essentially identical verdict that says what the article is about. Looking an eye to prototype, your general idea will-power be Dogs are descended from wolves. You can velic.32essay.com/for-students/order-of-the-phoenix-review.html then profit about this as the plain proposition to create your unreserved disquisition, and all of the signal points fully call for to precede b approach vanquish to this joined predominating thesis.

  18. Its likе you read my thoughts! You seem to understand so much approximately this, sucһ as you
    wrote the ebook in it or something. I feel that you just can do with some % to presѕuгe the message home a lіttle bit, however insteaɗ of that, this
    is magnificent blog. A great read. I will certainly bе bacқ.

  19. Excellent post. I was checking constantly this blog and I am impressed!
    Extremely helpful info specially the last part :
    ) I care for such info a lot. I was looking
    for this certain info for a very long time. Thank you and best of luck.

  20. Hi there! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with SEO?
    I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very
    good success. If you know of any please share. Appreciate it!
    Tumblr

  21. Icch habe gewesen Surfenn Online- mehr als letzte Zeit, jedoch I keineswegs entdeckte aufmerksamkeitsstarken Artikel wie Ihres.
    Es ist pretty Wert genug ausreichend für mich.
    Persönlich, wenn alle Web-Besitzer und Bloggern aus genau richtig Inhalt Material
    wiie Sie wahrscheinlich tat, die Internet wird wahrschdinlich viel mehr nützlich als je zuvor.

  22. 大凡读过陆文夫的小说《美食家》的人,莫错误于作品中的朱自治这个“吃货”,有着很深的印象。朱自治是个嗜吃如命的人,他整日流连于&#3348

  23. I am sorry for off-topic, I’m considering about making an interesting site for college kids. Will probably start with submitting interesting facts like”Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.”Please let me know if you know where I can find some related information like here

    http://mahabtna.com/?p=2114

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *