Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.

 

289,666 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. I’m impressed, I have to admit. Rarely do I encounter a blog that’s
    equally educative and interesting, and without a doubt, you have hit the
    nail on the head. The problem is an issue that not
    enough men and women are speaking intelligently about.
    Now i’m very happy that I stumbled across this in my search
    for something concerning this.

  2. Hey there, You have done an incredible job. I’ll definitely digg it and personally recommend to my friends. I am confident they’ll be benefited from this website.

  3. I enjoy, cause I found exactly what I used to be having a look for. You have ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye

  4. I am not positive the place you’re getting your information, but
    good topic. I must spend a while learning much more or working out more.
    Thank you for great info I used to be looking for this info for my mission.

  5. Hey! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with Search
    Engine Optimization? I’m trying to get my blog to
    rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing
    very good gains. If you know of any please share. Thank
    you!

  6. Appreciating the hard work you put into your blog and in depth information you present.
    It’s great to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same unwanted rehashed material.
    Wonderful read! I’ve bookmarked your site and I’m including your RSS feeds to my Google account.

  7. Good day! I could have sworn I’ve been to this site before but
    after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me.

    Anyways, I’m definitely glad I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back
    frequently!

  8. Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my iphone and tested to see if it can survive a forty foot drop,
    just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.
    I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share it with someone!

  9. Have you ever thought about creating an ebook or guest authoring on other websites?

    I have a blog based upon on the same subjects you discuss and would
    really like to have you share some stories/information.
    I know my audience would value your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free
    to send me an e mail.

  10. Hey there, I think your blog might be having browser
    compatibility issues. When I look at your blog in Chrome,
    it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer,
    it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick
    heads up! Other then that, amazing blog!

  11. Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter updates.
    I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some
    experience with something like this. Please let me know if you
    run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.

  12. Do you mind if I quote a couple of your articles as long as I provide credit and sources back
    to your weblog? My blog site is in the very same niche as yours
    and my users would definitely benefit from
    some of the information you present here. Please let me know if this ok with you.
    Many thanks!

  13. 如果要筛选出既能代表年味儿又能巧送祝福的新春佳品,那么Danisa皇冠丹麦曲奇天然是不二之选。每一块香浓可口的曲奇都寓意着举世无双的新&#2614

  14. 丹麦时光2月8日,丹麦国度羽毛球队在当地召开消息发布会,正式发布全球着名的Danisa皇冠丹麦曲奇成为该队新一届官方赞助商。Danisa皇冠曲奇的出&#2013

  15. Hi there! This blog post could not be written much better!
    Looking through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
    He continually kept talking about this. I will send this information to him.

    Pretty sure he’s going to have a very good read.
    Thank you for sharing!

  16. Hello, I think your web site might be having browser compatibility
    issues. Whenever I take a look at your site in Safari, it
    looks fine however, if opening in IE, it’s got some overlapping issues.
    I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Besides
    that, fantastic site!

  17. May I simply say what a relief to find someone that truly knows what they are discussing on the internet.
    You certainly know how to bring a problem to light and make it
    important. More people should read this and understand this side of your story.
    It’s surprising you’re not more popular because you surely possess the
    gift.

  18. You have made some really good points there. I looked
    on the net for more information about the issue and found most people will go along with your
    views on this website.

  19. I believe what you posted was actually very reasonable.
    However, think on this, suppose you added a little information? I mean, I don’t
    wish to tell you how to run your blog, but suppose you added a headline to maybe get folk’s attention?
    I mean Feeling all the Feels – Heather Mayer Spiritual Direction and Coaching is a little vanilla.

    You could glance at Yahoo’s front page and note how they write post titles to grab
    viewers interested. You might add a related video or a picture
    or two to get people excited about what you’ve written. Just my opinion, it
    could make your blog a little livelier.

  20. Hello, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i
    was just curious if you get a lot of spam responses?
    If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything you can suggest?

    I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any assistance is
    very much appreciated.

  21. It’s the best time to make a few plans for the future and
    it’s time to be happy. I’ve learn this publish and if I may I wish to counsel you
    few interesting things or advice. Perhaps you could write subsequent articles referring to this article.
    I wish to read more issues about it!

  22. Yes, even after all that listing down, you continue to need to sit and
    compose a full response, the same way you would write any essay.
    Cross out any irrelevant ones making your better to put them in to a logical order.
    Reading and writing as much as possible should be the best approach to develop a writing
    style.

  23. Hi there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after browsing
    through some of the post I realized it’s new to me.
    Anyhow, I’m definitely glad I found it and
    I’ll be book-marking and checking back frequently!

  24. azithromycin winthrop 500 [url=http://zithromax.antibioticonph.com]buy zithromax online[/url] azithromycin 6 monthsazithromycin mucinex dm interaction
    purchase viagra chemist [url=http://viagraonln.com]cheap viagra online[/url] viagra aus slowenienorigine du mot viagrabuy pfizer viagra line
    [url=http://supplyconceptsinc.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=itemlist&task=user&id=6098035]cipro antibiotic associated colitis[/url]

  25. Have you ever thought about writing an e-book or guest authoring on other blogs?

    I have a blog based on the same subjects you discuss and
    would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my subscribers would appreciate your work.
    If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e mail.

  26. Its like you read my mind! You seem to know so much about this, like
    you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you could do with a
    few pics to drive the message home a little bit, but other than that, this is
    fantastic blog. A great read. I’ll certainly be back.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *