Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.


277,828 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. Animal,If/when Kidd doesn’t help Dallas as much as WoW would predict (or at least, his ability to rebound above average won’t translate into a net rebounding advantage for his team), do you think that WoW will be conveniently overlooked and the emphasis will be on the risks associated with acquiring an aging guard who is on the downside of his career?

  2. Cucumbers! And I love zucchini and squash sauted with a tomato over couscous! YUM! Not so much with the oven. But have done some canning. Thank goodness for fans and air conditioning during canning sessions.

  3. In my opinion, it is very likely Obama will be reelected. It is of paramont importance that Obama be removed from the ballot. If Obama were to be removed from the ballot, there is the chance the Democrats would nominate Hillary Clinton who would be harder to beat. This is a risk that must be taken. Obama cannot be reelected. Even if Hillary Clinton were to be elected, I don't think she would be that bad. The reelection of Obama is just something we cannot have or risk.

  4. I simply want to say I am just all new to blogging and site-building and actually liked you’re blog. Most likely I’m going to bookmark your blog . You absolutely have wonderful writings. Cheers for revealing your blog site.

  5. Oh jeez, this post brings back memories.. man, when I went to the dentist, he would always let me play Kirby on a giant Gameboy-like-thing while I waited for him to finish something, and I would always get to the tree that shot apples at me and always lose. Once, I beat the tree, but then the dentist came back and took his game away >_>

  6. Well every girl is different when it comes to growing breasts or “breast buds”. If your friends are growing breasts, that is perfectly normal because every girl matures differently. Don’t worry because you will get breasts some day.Good Luck!

  7. Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive learn anything like this before. So nice to find any person with some authentic ideas on this subject. realy thanks for beginning this up. this web site is one thing that is needed on the web, somebody with a little originality. useful job for bringing one thing new to the internet!

  8. Great video. I have been to Mistress Melissa’s education series in my local community and I have to say that the Trampling Class was one of my favorites. I was not at all interested in trampling before I went to this class and half way thru I leaned over and asked my Sir, “Can we try that?” It’s not one of my favorite things. I look forward to seeing more of this series.

  9. stuiec7hello there! how are we doing? nice video..:) ok so i got a video idea for you how about the next time u go to a motel/hotel on holidays,vacation or even a trip do fun stuff like jumping and bouncing on beds and doing seat-drops and flips on them lol! Ok and also at the hotel do door knock runs, prank calls and even elevator races ! :p

  10. well well, you come to big nrother house not just to play game but most importantly to have fun. and that’s what alex that aaron has not. alex not amazes the viewers but the housemates as well. deffo alex to win. help her to win this over that douche aaron.

  11. I’m extremely impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one these days..

  12. Nicolas,« C’est génial, vous pouvez vous en prendre à absolument toutes les entreprises privées. » Non,seulement celles qui nous entraînent vers le bas ; Fast Food et autres pollutions (actionnariales) assujettis aux rendements constants à court terme, aux détriments des caractéristiques culturelles édifiées avec persévérance, au détriment d’une certaine qualité de vie.« Ã‡a vous fait un paquet d’ennemis. Vous arrivez à dormir, quand même? » Oui.

  13. Hi You Two!!!So jealous right now. It looks like gorgeous scenery!!! Why does it look like you too are still so cold? Isn’t it warming up yet? If I right comments more often will you update the blog more often? I totally am living life vicariously through you and read your blog as a procrastination tool at work. Miss you!

  14. Carol Coker – Wireless headphones help a lot If you let them watch PBS at home, what shows do they watch? As long as it’s entertaining, non-violent, and doesn’t teach them any bad habits, then I’m okay with it. We usually only have it on during those days where we are running a marathon of errands (a ton of drive time). Currently she’s into the Wiggles (she likes the dancing they do).March 9, 2010 – 3:14 pm

  15. whoah this weblog is magnificent i really like studying your posts. Keep up the good paintings! You already know, many individuals are searching around for this information, you can help them greatly.

  16. fished here a few times and always found it good value.. nice place thats hardly ever busy with good conditioned hard fighting fish probably upto 4 lbs.fished it in june and had 5 rainbows best being 3 and a half pounds… you get them washed and gutted to which is a nice touch.

  17. My husband and i have been very fulfilled when Raymond could finish off his investigation with the ideas he had out of your site. It is now and again perplexing to just possibly be making a gift of techniques which usually some people could have been selling. And we recognize we have the blog owner to appreciate for this. The entire illustrations you have made, the straightforward website navigation, the relationships your site help instill – it’s all incredible, and it’s assisting our son and the family reason why that article is amusing, which is certainly incredibly important. Thanks for all the pieces!

  18. Hi there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely happy I found it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back frequently!

  19. Great work! That is the kind of information that are supposed to be shared around the web. Shame on Google for not positioning this publish upper! Come on over and consult with my web site . Thanks =)

  20. or done? How easy do you think it would be to live with the guilt of knowing you are responsible for the deaths of two lovely teenagers? Don't you think the driver will be punished in life – yes he will and the after life. For your own sake I beg you to find peace, as I am sure the girls would want you to go on living the best way you can.I am very sorry for your loss.

  21. I often wonder if my own kids walk blindly around, bc they are completely oblivious to the mess left in their wake! Things get ugly when I forget Who I serve, and sometimes i get so caught up in the to do list that I forget. Thank you for this beautiful reminder!

  22. magnificent submit, very informative. I’m wondering why the opposite experts of this sector do not realize this. You must proceed your writing. I am confident, you have a great readers’ base already!

  23. I’m impressed, I need to say. Really rarely do I encounter a blog that’s each educative and entertaining, and let me let you know, you have hit the nail on the head. Your idea is excellent; the difficulty is one thing that not sufficient persons are speaking intelligently about. I’m very happy that I stumbled throughout this in my search for one thing referring to this.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *