Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.


284,438 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. I do not if there is a foreign connection with the murders a Virginia Tech. There is no connection between the mass murders two years and the recent murders. Although, I think there may be a gang element with the three murders. The gang could be Asian and I do not know if the victims were Asian. Mr. R. I do have a couple of questions for you. What are your reasons that leads to believe that Obama wants to start a civil war? Will there be a war between the rich and the poor?

  2. Funny. Yes, Red Wing is sourcing the engine from Harley, but I think they have some unique design cues that make it something more than just a knock-off of a Harley Softail. We’ll just have to wait and see if these sell to anyone other than Aerosmith fans.

  3. Большое количество молодых людей на сегодня стараются очень быстро сдать экзамен на права, как только они достигнут совершеннолетие. С помощью задачи начать водить, они с разного возраста откладывают финансы на автомобиль или мотоцикл.

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    В тюнинг ателье ARTFG “artfg.ru” находятся специалисты с опытом, которые умеют тюнинговать как современные автомобили, так и старые, процедуры по тюнингу авто в возрасте очень популярны, так как с помощью тюнинга возможно перекрашивать части автомобиля, устранить ржавчину, омолодить машину «под капотом».

  4. I have seen Ibrahim´s work in the UAE – it is truly amazing what he does, and how he does it. So happy to see him presenting Dubai, could not have thought of anyone better than him for this task!! Keep it up!

  5. Большое количество пожилых людей на сегодняшний день стараются очень быстро сдать на права, как только они достигнут совершеннолетие. Благодаря задачи начать ездить, они с ранних лет складывают деньги на авто или мопед.

    Цель многих – получат хороший транспорт и создать из него «конфетку». Но вот тут у большинства проявляются сложности, ведь несмотря на то, какой тип мотоцикла, как правило – он не современный.

    А ошибиться по незнанию может будь кто сегодня.
    Если вы желаете провести тюнинг авто или мотоцикла, рекомендуем обратить внимание установка автомагнитолы 2 din все это сделать или узнать как это делать вы можете на нашем сайте.

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    Производить тюнинг мотоцикла – сегодня перспективная ниша, которую узнать стремятся многие. По сути, чтобы быть настоящими любителем – нужен знания.

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  6. Много молодых людей сегодня желают максимально быстро сдать на права, как только они достигнут совершеннолетие. С помощью задачи начать водить, они с ранних лет откладывают финансы на автомобиль или мототехнику.

    Цель большого количества сегодня – получат хороший автомобиль и выполнить из него «конфетку». Но вот здесь у многих возникают сложности, ведь несмотря на то, какой формат авто, за частую – он не современный.

    А ошибиться по малому опыту может любой сегодня.
    Если вы желаете выполнить тюнинг автомобиля или мототехники, предлагаем посмотреть пластик для мотоцикла все это сделать или узнать как это делать вы можете на нашем сайте.

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    Производить тюнинг мотоцикла – на сегодняшний день основная ниша, которую занять стремятся многие. Тем не менее, для того, чтоб стать настоящими профи – необходимы опыт.

    В тюнинг сервисе ARTFG “artfg.ru” устроены механики с опытом, которые умеют улучшить как современные автомобили, так и старые, тюнинг авто в возрасте очень популярны, так как с помощью тюнинга реально перекрашивать части автомобиля, ликвидировать ржавчину, освежить машину «под капотом».

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  8. Postaraj sie czytac ze zrozumieniem, ja wiem, ze to dla niektorych trudne i bolesne, ale postaraj sie… I nie wmawiaj jak Prezes tego, czego nie napisalem. A psycho24 – masz lusterko? No to spojrz sobie prosto w oczy? Co widzisz?

  9. A mi me costo mucho trabajo encontrar la resistencia, ya que no se “quema” para resetear el contador, la impresora lo intenta pero simplemente no se quema. Simplemente busca una resistencia de 56ohmns. Lo que hice y me funciono fue poner la resistencia entre dos cables, unidos a un interruptor de corriente, cuando enciendes la impresora, nuevamente intenta quemar la resistencia, como sabes que no va a poder, simplemente accionas el interruptor y cortas la corriente de la resistencia. Esto lo interpreta la impresora como que quemo la resistencia y los contadores se ponen en cero, engañando al equipo. Espero que les sirva, saludos.

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  13. Unfortunately, LAB no longer has any venues where members can discuss these potential changes. For instance, the “moderator” quit letting any discussions of these changes in the LAB LCI listserver I think they long ago quite being a member-driven organization

  14. ok ok I already know what the treble cleft is and how to tell what notes are being used but dammit no one seems to want to cover # or b (sharps or flats) nor do they tell you about octaves because maybe the notes are played higher or lower…. not helpful at all

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  19. I posted a similar comment on the story three days ago. They did publish my comment but continued to argue against my assertion that actual output is different than rated capacity.Either they do not understand the difference between rated capacity and actual output, or they don't care. Then again, perhaps they do understand it, but realize most of their readers won't bother to read beyond the headline.

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  21. The green-colored walls are very cool to the eyes. Green is actually my favorite color, and it definitely serves as a beautiful background to the room. With that kind of ambiance, any person would feel relaxed while staying there.

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