Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.

 

263,892 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. Can I simply just say what a comfort to find somebody that genuinely knows what they’re talking about online.
    You definitely realize how to bring an issue to light
    and make it important. More people must read this and understand
    this side of your story. I was surprised that you are not more popular since you surely possess the gift.

  2. Windows 7/8.1またはWindows Phone 8.1のユーザーであれば,Windows 10の発売後1年間は無料でOSをアップグレードできるとのことだ。 Windows、Mac、モバイルのマルチデバイス対応。 [url=http://reclame.net.ua/17718/office2013_1/index.html]office2013 プロダクト キー[/url]
    ■本セミナーにご参加いただければ、五感に訴える新しいデータビジュアライゼーションをご体験いただけます。 息子がYoutubuを見たら、数分で終わりました。
    [url=http://illuminatum.eu/17712/windows8_1/index.html]windows 8.1 の インストール[/url] 冒頭引用記事は、まさにそのBLOG記事の趣旨を実証したという形だ。 両方のサーバーは、Hyper-V サーバー役割を装置 しておきます。
    [url=http://italian-machazor.com/1777/office2013_1/index.html]office 2013 価格[/url]
    といってもメーカーの情報はあくまで、サポートを表明しているWin8.1のみが対象です。 CさんはWISC(知能検査)の結果などからも耳で聴くよりも視覚からの情報の方が入りやすいことがわかり、書かなくても取り組みやすい型をPowerPointで作成。 [url=http://sangitadevi.com/17710/office2013_1/index.html]office 2013 価格[/url]
    これをインストールするまでは、別のフォント(たぶん 「MSゴシック」 )で表示されていた私のファイルも、ちゃんと作成時に指定した 「HGP創英角ポップ体」 で表示されるようになりました。 サポートが終了しているWindows XP、Windows Vista、Windows Server 2003のパッチもありますのでご利用ください。
    [url=http://www.petscript.net/17711/officemac_1/index.html]office mac 激安[/url] 70-534認定試験の対応資格はMCSD: Azure Solutions Architectです。 ここでは古くから使われている「ローカルアカウント」のユーザーを追加、削除する操作を説明します。
    [url=http://aematters.com/17714/office2016_1/index.html]produkey office 2016[/url]

  3. their words were changed , twisted and lies added before releasing to press, when he told press the charges were true he thought it was about a text to his girlfriend after he was told she was having affair with Officer Rob { the one charged with scaming hrs from ZPD in 2009}he had no clue of false charges as they are missing from his copy of his file pasco co school board had copied for him.he is innocent of press accusations, major corruption here, need help

  4. desenele copilariei noastre sunt violente? Tu si redusii aia mintali care zic ca povesti ca si ‘Captra cu trei iezi’ influenteaza negativ copiii. Hai du-te si vezi niste Hannah Montana si lasa-ne pe noi astia mai dificili in pace. Nici nu mai am sperante la lumea asta de ciuti.

  5. After I originally commented I seem to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a comment is added I recieve 4 emails with the same comment. There has to be an easy method you can remove me from that service? Many thanks!

  6. Ben, je suis toute émue quand je relis ton com. Oui oui, on tient à nos valeurs. Un côté sacré, intime, de la légèreté aussi, pas trop de prise au sérieux, Pour les cadeaux je te file mon adresse si tu veux :D:DMé non, tes voeux me suffisent ammmplement :))

  7. Hi guys,I need some advice. I currently have an iphone and a laptop but was thinking of getting an ipad for Christmas. The only thing is im finding it hard to justify buying one as surely they are just a larger iphone? Seeing as i already have an iphone and a laptop, can you shed any light on why it would benefit me to buy an ipad? which one would you suggest for a first time buyer if you think i should get one?Your help on this matter would be greatly appreciated.Thanks

  8. I was recommended this website by my cousin. I’m not sure whether this post is written by him as
    nobody else know such detailed about my trouble. You’re amazing!
    Thanks!

  9. Very nice article and right to the point. I don’t know if this is actually the best place to ask but do you folks have any thoughts on where to hire some professional writers? Thanks in advance 🙂

  10. Hi, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just wondering if you get a lot
    of spam responses? If so how do you prevent it, any plugin or anything you can advise?
    I get so much lately it’s driving me crazy so any assistance is very much appreciated.

  11. Kalyan K Lahiri Sir, my fb is blocked for 30 days from 28.09.12. due to excessive friend making. i am 70 years old. i would request you to open it and kindly let me know how many friends i can approach per day.Thanking you. with kind regards. kalyan k lahiri

  12. fight against corruption and money laundering is not for government alone neither is it for GEJ laone but for all Nigerians and our brothers and sisters in various security agencies…our immigration are more concern about printing of passports and taking money from fresh travelers at the various airports…we should serve our country with whole heart if any of us wish to do rather than sabortaging the whole system..

  13. Ten System NIE jest otwarty, przynajmniej nie do koÅ„ca. Przynajmniej do momentu, gdy nie zaczniemy kolonizować Kosmosu.Zasoby w rodzaju ziemi, rÄ…k do pracy, kapitaÅ‚u i know-how nie sÄ… nieograniczone – i dlatego bankructwo tych, którzy je wykorzystujÄ… nieefektywnie, sÄ… korzystne.

  14. I have been surfing online greater than three
    hours nowadays, but I by no means found any fascinating article like yours.
    It’s beautiful price enough for me. Personally, if all webmasters and bloggers
    made just right content material as you probably did, the internet
    might be much more helpful than ever before.

  15. The subsequent time I read a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as a lot as this one. I imply, I know it was my choice to read, however I really thought youd have something fascinating to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could possibly fix when you werent too busy on the lookout for attention.

  16. Ah. I’m in Canada, so we don’t have SATs. University admission to a general program is based on high school grades. Anyone can apply to be valedictorian where I went to high school regardless of class standing. The teachers choose the valedictorian from whomever applied, so generally a higher ranked student would get the nod.

  17. Je suis d’accord avec certains commentateurs. Mon dernier vote « en personne » remonte au référendum sur la constitution européenne et je ne me suis pourtant jamais abstenue. J’ai donc dû faire un bon nombre de procuration : à Montreuil (93), Noisy-le-Grand (93), Québec, Paris 13, Paris 10 et je n’ai jamais attendu plus d’un quart d’heure (Paris 13).Billet peut révélateur d’une réalité ou situation exceptionnelle due aux présidentielles ? (et oui, je n’ai pas pu tester : pas de procuration cette année, je retourne aux urnes !)

  18. ,The particular board continually stand behind the actual Top dog. Mr. McNerney claimed with November this administrators now have analyzed and even endorsed you can actually restructuring method, as well as the board “wholeheartedly supports” Mr. McDonald. The guy added in the board could “actively oversee the actual plan’s use to ensure its effectiveness.In

  19. naturally like your web-site however you have to check the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling issues and I find it very troublesome to tell the truth on the other hand I’ll definitely come back again.

  20. I would have asked if the political climate was ever any worse than this but you’ve aptly answered that question, as I’m not of the age to have seen as much. Hopefully this isn’t as bad or going to turn out as horribly as it appears. But…all we can do is wait.

  21. Ahaa, its pleasant discussion regarding this article here at
    this web site, I have read all that, so at this time me also commenting at
    this place.

  22. “#145 SeanA one day run-up of gold and your preaching like the NAR.”Mitchell [192],Wrong. It has been a 7 year bull market with, approx, a 50% retracement. The long term technicals are still bullish. Early this week, the market went into backwardation.If you are so bearish, step up to the plate and sell Dec gold. First notice day is next Friday. If you sell, I recommend you buy Feb calls. Good Luck.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *