Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.

 

249,304 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. Please let me know if you’re looking for a article author for your weblog.
    You have some really great posts and I think I would be a good asset.
    If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some material
    for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please
    shoot me an e-mail if interested. Kudos!

  2. My developer is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP.

    I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses.
    But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using Movable-type on a variety
    of websites for about a year and am anxious about switching to another platform.
    I have heard great things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can transfer all my
    wordpress content into it? Any kind of help would be greatly appreciated!

  3. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but
    I find this matter to be really something which I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complex and extremely broad for me. I am looking forward for your next
    post, I’ll try to get the hang of it!

  4. Can I just now say what relief to uncover somebody that in fact knows what theyre discussing on the internet. You certainly learn how to bring an issue to light and produce it important. Workout . must check out this and appreciate this side with the story. I cant believe youre no more well-known simply because you undoubtedly hold the gift.

  5. <サポート継続中の Windows Vista/7/8 はもち大丈夫!今後も、Windows XP に影響のある脆弱性の数は”増える”はずで、自然に”減る”ことがないから参っちゃいます。 もう一つテストをしているのは、猫用に昨年の9月5日に購入した電気座布団が修理から戻って来たので寒くなる前に作動テストをしたかったのである。 [url=http://blog.goo.ne.jp/salewin]windows8 セットアップ[/url]
    おりしもMicrosoft Windows10無償アップグレードキャンペーンと重なり、愛用機、modo共に10となりました。 電気にかかわる事業では、電磁気学や数学に関する体系的な知識が不可欠である。
    [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/salekey/]office2010 ソフト[/url] すると、あなたの勉強方は効率があるのでしょうか。 C. ServiceStatus パラメ ータによる Get-MsolUsercmdlet を使用します 。
    [url=http://blog.goo.ne.jp/in7key]produkey windows 7[/url]
    しかしそれだけではシェアが維持されるだけで、増加に転じることはありません。 見てくれ、使いやすそうっすが・・・まぁほんとうに人騒がせというか、Microsoftは。 [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/off2016/]produkey office 2016[/url]
    それがバージョンアップしていき、Windows Liveメールという名前になりました。 ずーっとパソコンとにらめっこしていたので、ブログを触る気になれずでした。
    [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/salekey/]windows 7 アップデート[/url] あなたは User1Sales@contoso.com に彼の Lync ゕドレスのみを変更することをリクエストします。 B. データセンターの IP ゕドレス範囲のスパムフゖルタリングを バ゗パスするメールフローのルールを設定します。
    [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/micronewsok/]win 8.1 インストール[/url]

  6. 「秋の童話は」ユン・ソクホ監督の四季シリーズ第1作目の作品で、ソン・スンホンとソン・ヘギョンを韓流トップスターにした名作だ。 今年最高の話題作となったKBS『太陽の末裔』のソン・ヘギョも、マニア層の熱い支持を受けたMBC『W 二つの世界』のハン・ヒョジュも、医師という共通点がある。 [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/fukuie/]福家警部補の挨拶 DVD BOX,福家警部補の挨拶 DVD,福家警部補の挨拶 DVD 激安,SMAP  石松 福家警部補[/url]
    「相手の気持ちをおしはかって」行動することは常に正しいが、公務員は「中立、公正、公平」に仕事をする責務を負っている。 逃げるは恥だが、役に立つんやで・・・え?私?名乗るほどのもんでもねぇよ・・・・・・・・・カッコいい出だしに痺れている読者のみなさま、こんにちは。
    [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/raintakl/]アメトーーク! dvd box,アメトーーク! dvd,アメトーーク 仮面ライダー,最新 お笑い・バラエティストア ランキング[/url] ヽ(・∀・。)*-*-*(。・∀・)ノ  ヽ(・∀・。)*-*-*(。・∀・)ノ   ヽ(・∀・。)*-*-*(。・∀・)ノ  ヽ(・∀・。)*-*-*(。・∀・)ノ※あぁ、やっぱり、彼女は「アクセを光らせる最高のモデル」。 バナナのお菓子は、生徒さんたちに、分けようと思います。
    [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/weiman/]ぼくらの勇気 未満都市 dvd,ぼくらの勇気 未満都市 dvd box,KinKi Kids 嵐,kinki kids 20周年[/url]
    しかし、私はすべての職業がある大変だと思います。 男女問わず、誰に蔑まれたって、鼻で「フンッ!」と笑ってしまうことが出来る。 [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/raintakl/]アメトーーク! dvd box,アメトーーク! dvd,アメトーーク 仮面ライダー,最新 お笑い・バラエティストア ランキング[/url]
    逃げるは恥だが役に立つ、TBSチャンネル1,一挙大放送お! うふふふふふふふううふ。 エンタメチャート「moolmang」が、恋愛したい気持ちにさせる次世代のラブコメの帝王についてアンケートを行った結果、キム・スヒョンが回答者全体の53%の支持を受け1位になった。
    [url=http://blog.livedoor.jp/raintakl/]アメトーーク! dvd box,アメトーーク! dvd,アメトーーク 仮面ライダー,最新 お笑い・バラエティストア ランキング[/url] 對於大學醫院中的階級制度及排場一率無視,而受到前院長的不滿而解僱,後又被新任的院長聘僱。 一国の首相が、自分の発言に対する責任を示すこともできず、妻による公の場での説明の機会を与えないのは、あまりにも恥ずかしすぎる。
    [url=http://blog.goo.ne.jp/codeblued]コードブルー dvd[/url]

  7. You’re so great! I dont suppose Ive read anything like this
    before. So nice to find a person with some unique thoughts on this subject.

    truly thank you for starting this up. this website is one thing that’s wanted online, somebody with some originality.
    useful job for bringing something new to the internet!

  8. Its like you read my mind! You seem to know a lot about this,
    like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that
    you can do with some pics to drive the message home a little
    bit, but instead of that, this is wonderful blog. A fantastic read.
    I will definitely be back.

  9. A powerful share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing a little bit analysis on this. And he the truth is purchased me breakfast as a result of I found it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! However yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I really feel strongly about it and love reading extra on this topic. If attainable, as you grow to be experience, would you mind updating your weblog with extra particulars? It’s highly helpful for me. Huge thumb up for this blog post!

  10. Good post. I be taught one thing more challenging on totally different blogs everyday. It is going to always be stimulating to learn content material from other writers and observe slightly something from their store. I’d desire to make use of some with the content on my weblog whether or not you don’t mind. Natually I’ll provide you with a hyperlink on your internet blog. Thanks for sharing.

  11. After research a couple of of the blog posts on your web site now, and I truly like your way of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark web site list and will likely be checking back soon. Pls take a look at my web page as nicely and let me know what you think.

  12. Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive learn anything like this before. So good to seek out somebody with some unique thoughts on this subject. realy thank you for beginning this up. this web site is something that’s needed on the internet, someone with slightly originality. helpful job for bringing something new to the web!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *