Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.

 

240,680 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. Já falamos aqui da surpreendente paisagem natural do extremo da Zona Sul paulistana, na região de Parelheiros, que tem trilhas, rios e cachoeiras limpos e núcleos de produção agroecológica. Na mesma região de Sampa fica um dos maiores reservatórios de água da cidade, a Represa de Guarapiranga, que em seus 108 anos de vida se tornou a verdadeira praia paulistana!

  2. O ano era 1952. Em South Boston, nos Estados Unidos, o emigrante russo Nathan Swartz comprava metade da empresa Abington Shoe Company, após trabalhar por 34 anos na indústria de calçados, nas mais diversas funções. Ali, há 65 anos, começava a história da Timberland.

  3. I’m really intrigued to learn just what blog platform you have been working with? I’m having a few small protection difficulties with the most recent site dealing with wrongful death attorney so I would like to find a thing more risk-free. Are there any strategies?

  4. Unquestionably believe that which you said. Your
    favorite reason seemed to be on the net the easiest thing to be aware of.

    I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while people think about worries that they just do not know about.
    You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined
    out the whole thing without having side-effects ,
    people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more.
    Thanks

  5. of course like your web-site but you have to test the spelling on quite
    a few of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and
    I find it very bothersome to tell the truth then again I will surely come back again.

  6. Hello there, You have done a great job. I’ll
    certainly digg it and personally recommend to my friends.
    I’m sure they will be benefited from this website.

  7. I was more than happy to seek out this net-site.I wanted to thanks on your time for this glorious read!! I definitely enjoying every little little bit of it and I’ve you bookmarked to take a look at new stuff you blog post.

  8. I like the helpful info you provide in your articles. I’ll bookmark your blog and check again here regularly. I am quite sure I’ll learn a lot of new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!

  9. Excellent blog here! Additionally your site loads up fast!
    What web host are you using? Can I am getting your associate
    link to your host? I desire my site loaded up as fast as yours lol

  10. Whats Going down i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have discovered It absolutely helpful and it has helped me out loads. I’m hoping to contribute & aid other users like its aided me. Good job.

  11. Achat Kamagra Strasbourg Levitra Dopo Mangiato [url=http://buygenericvia.com]viagra prescription[/url] Buy Strattera Atomoxetine Usa Online Does Amoxicillin Work For Pneumonia

  12. Pregnant And Taking Amoxicillin Zithromax 250 Mg Price Viagra Es [url=http://howtogetvia.com]generic viagra[/url] Commander Du Cialis Buy Levitra Super Active Online Online Amoxicilina Best Website

  13. Hi there! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website with us so I came to check it out.
    I’m definitely loving the information. I’m bookmarking and will be
    tweeting this to my followers! Excellent blog and superb design and style.

  14. I wanted to compose you a very little note in order to thank you so much over again for your precious secrets you have shown in this case. This is tremendously open-handed with people like you to deliver without restraint precisely what most people could possibly have sold for an electronic book to get some money on their own, precisely seeing that you could have tried it in the event you considered necessary. The tricks likewise served to become a good way to understand that someone else have the same desire the same as my own to see much more pertaining to this matter. I believe there are several more enjoyable times in the future for those who view your site.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *