Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.


289,547 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. I am regular readervisitor, how are you everybody? This articlepostpiece of writingparagraph posted at this websiteweb sitesiteweb page is reallyactuallyin facttrulygenuinely nicepleasantgoodfastidious.

  2. GreatWonderfulFantasticMagnificentExcellent beat ! I wish towould like to apprentice at the same time aswhilsteven aswhile you amend your siteweb sitewebsite, how cancould i subscribe for a blogweblog siteweb sitewebsite? The account aidedhelped me a appropriateapplicableacceptable deal. I werehave beenhad been tinya little bit familiaracquainted of this your broadcast providedoffered brightshinybrilliantvibrantvivid transparentclear conceptidea

  3. Three-card poker is among the quickest-rising online casino games Three-card poker on-line presents all the challenges
    and thrills of an amazing card game, however is
    sleeker and faster than other poker variations. A three way partnership Dabur’s vice chairman Amit Burman, poker portal ‘s founder Anuj Gupta and founding father of the match India Poker Legend Pranav Bagai.
    Come and join the club the place poker lovers the world over will gather to play and chat about world’s greatest recreation.
    They provide one free financial institution wire withdrawal every 28
    days to Indian banks, any extra withdrawals might be charged £12 (approx 1000 INR) for a standard financial institution wire and £15 (approx 1300 INR) for an pressing
    financial institution wire. Now even more
    so, I feel the sturdy sense of promoting the sport with accountability.

    I am going to now examine a problem which has been of
    appreciable debate across the globe, i.e. what is the
    degree of potential involved within the sport of poker and as well as the possibility of the judiciary/legislature
    recognising poker as a skill-based sport; separate from taking part in. The Golden Aces
    Poker League (GAPL) was organized by Golden Aces based out of Bangalore which additionally operates
    the Golden Aces Playing cards Room in Bangalore.

    Even some of the ones that are aware of issues like coaching
    sites and tools choose not to use them, both as a
    result of they do not assume it could actually help them or they only
    haven’t got the will.

    Poker began to pick up steam when television networks began airing tournaments which featured lipstick cameras,
    ” or small cameras positioned so the viewers could see what each individual’s hole playing cards are. US Online Tournaments In 2017: BetOnline has shot up the poker web site rankings just lately, overtaking rival networks (WPN and Merge) in the process. You will play with a part of a standard poker deck consisting of solely the playing cards 2 by means of 6 (20 cards), whereas your pal will play with the remaining playing cards (32 cards). Thus, even in an India-Zimbabwe match, there is a truthful chance that some Indian batsmen could get out for no-fault of theirs; nevertheless overall it is the higher workforce that wins.

    Think about folding in the second by fourth rounds if you don’t have at the very least three of a sort, potential for a straight or better, and you don’t have an eight-or better hand. He is a bit of a neighborhood poker legend in his well-heeled Mumbai circle—he just lately bought a couple of luxury vehicles alongside together with his winnings. Vishaal: It was manner again in 2004, when poker first began to grow to be a craze in Australia; we had been one among Australia’s largest poker product importers and I kinda felt I better begin learning this game since we’ve been promoting this differ.

    Most chips have been white, red, blue, and yellow, however they could be made in virtually any coloration desired. It’s a conundrum, but a conundrum with a solution… If your buddy, wife, neighbor, or whomever else units up an account that will not be used in conjunction with any poker accounts, and transfers you money to your card that’s used for playing purposes, the financial institution will will let you upload the funds, and you will be able to course of deposits to playing accounts. The mark of an important player is staying motivated and even-keeled when the playing cards aren’t working in your favor. It could be curious to know what proportion of the time the gamers bluffed the AI successfully and vice versa.

    As soon as you have put players into an preliminary category you’re ready for the subsequent step – which is to determine whether or not they’re difficult. The place it began to get large was when on 1-3 March 2007, one other match organiser held the Asian Poker Classic, in Goa, India. On his strategy to Stanford College to review law in 1974, he dropped by Las Vegas for the weekend for a bit of low stakes poker. Ankit, who has now been enjoying for the ultimate four years usually, brings dwelling at least 2 Lakhs a month by means of his prowess on the poker tables. All other players should then either put in chips to convey their contribution to the pot to at least an equal amount or fold, discarding their cards and abandoning any chips they have to date contributed to the pot.

    The poker sites themselves appear to have put Thailand on their whitelist of legal online poker nations. That is as a result of most (but certainly not all) players see PokerStars as the premier online poker network. Total earnings from playing poker up to now however not together with any sponsorship offers is some $21,431,318. Some folks might find the barebone graphics a little bit of a detractor however we like it significantly better than a few of the needlessly complicated iPhone poker websites. Bought a 650 high roller set of those chips and quality was incredible, I had four chips with improperly minimize centre stickers, but those had been replaced as quickly as I fired off an electronic mail.

    Each real money poker operator will offer something barely totally different (often the identify), but at every game’s core there will be the same premise: every time you fold you are taken to a new table. In October 2013 Karnataka Excessive Court docket in Indian Poker Association v. State of Karnataka, dominated that playing poker in golf equipment was permissible and that no license was required to in order that. His internet value of $12 million ranks him #15 total, tied with Canadian Daniel Negreanu and a step behind Dewey Tomko at $14 million. It’s continuously being improved by there workforce of consultants, adding new features based mostly on clients recommendations, to be sure to proceed to get the very best poker playing expertise anywhere online.

    All wonderful players in their very own proper, I want Stu had been on the scene for much longer, I’d have beloved to see him evolve as a participant more. Credit card, debit card, internet banking, on-line wallets are the popular channels of deposit while bank transfer and cheque are largely used for redemptions. They aren’t in any respect complying with the cyber regulation due diligence (PDF) requirements of Indian cyber regulation. However, one or two or three cards imply fully nothing in a game of poker You need five… always five. The Machine on the other hand carried out his widespread model of tight stable poker nonetheless wasn’t capable of convert it proper into a final desk money finish.

    It’s now been over one yr since PokerStars returned to the US online poker market. I imply, India has an enormous inhabitants and there are a decent number of fairly wealthy individuals there. That means KHELO365 is now formally recognised as a regulated and trusted on-line poker site in India. Because of a mix of simplified lobbies, quick seat options (you enter your parameters and the software takes you to an open seat) and one contact entry, it’s possible to discover a recreation that suits your wants with the minimum amount of fuss. IPA is taken into account to be the primary poker room of Bangalore, exterior of Goa, spearheaded by authorized eagle K N Suresh.

    Nonetheless I’ve played with males in their eighty’s, who’ve actually over a half century of poker experience beneath their belt, who may be accurately described as a fish. However the technique in precise poker video games is analogous to what is being stated on this dialogue. The strongest Poker hand is Royal Flush, which represents the sequence (or the straight) of Ace, King, Queen, Jack and Ten of the same colour. Recognition of online play surged when in 2003, an unknown amatuer internet participant named Chris Monemaker took the World Sequence of Poker by storm and positioned first out of 839 entrants to say the title of World Champion.

    Folks see certain players do well on television after which they wish to discover out extra about these remarkable gamers. Select from great folding tables, roulette wheels, playing cards, and custom clay poker chips Our merchandise are bought at unbeatable costs. Through the first and second betting intervals, the lower wager quantity for the desk is in drive for bets. That can not be mentioned concerning the other two websites concerned in Black Friday; Full Tilt Poker and Absolute Poker. I stroll in, greet the managers, employees and fellow gamers and place myself on the two/5 poker record. Freeroll poker tournaments are mostly discovered online, rising to prominence up to now 15 years thanks to the poker boom of the early 2000’s.

    Like a buffet of bluffing alternatives, now you can join and sport, refill on (poker) chips and depart, all inside the area of some minutes. Despite Nagaland’s small size in the sub-continent, there are hopes that the introduction of legalised on-line poker may very well be the impetus for an online poker boom in a country with over 1 billion individuals. However, online poker is equally widespread right here and the game’s recognition is witnessing a high surge. The smartest thinkers Study from and with internationally profitable poker execs, in our live teaching classes and within the forum.

    Poker is turning into increasingly fashionable in India, as whereas many states within the country have legislation against gambling, there are exemptions for ‘video games of talent.’ That implies that poker meets the factors in lots of places, and the recruitment of Singh is probably going another move to help improve the legitimacy and legality of the game in India. At the very least 4 players within the WSOP remaining desk won their entry by an internet cardroom. Study what continuation bets are and how one can utilize it to your benefit to win more cash. After the pre-flop betting section, three cards are dealt face-up (revealed to all gamers) on the middle of the desk.

    Additionally to my surprise, the gadget not only allows to cheat at Poker nonetheless to cheat at nearly any type of card video games you’ll be able to think about. Whereas looking for a poker site, newbies ought to check if there are newbie degree poker tables. We’ll look deeper at the legality of playing poker in India in a couple of minutes, but primarily – till authorized rulings change – you’re not supposed to play on-line for real money with a poker site that is run from exterior the nation. You will not be able to put these event quality chips down – unless in fact you’re putting a guess! Android poker online apps really let you play your favorite recreation when it’s convenient for you.

    The distinction with Ascension is that this fast-paced app plays even better than the bodily card game. With two competing excessive card palms, the hand with the best-ranking card wins. The license issued by the Nagaland government will finish the controversy on the legality of online poker as soon as and for all, and will allow this business to increase,” he
    was quoted as saying. As a rule of thumb, it is best to play the late phases of the match rather more aggressively than the
    early ones. If the dealer has queen high or better
    and you win, then you win your ante and your
    Play Bet at even cash. In 2007, he finished 14th at the
    European Poker Tour (EPT) London for £22,423, in 2008 he won the Grosvenor United Kingdom Poker Tour (GUKPT) in Bolton for £fifty two,850, finished sixth in the GUKPT Grand Last for £27,600 before
    successful that same competitors the next year for £168,800.

    Played as per regular rules besides boot can be 10 instances
    the traditional boot amount played. To keep up pacing, a poker web site
    will enhance the blinds at set intervals, where
    in money video games they remain static. In this put up I will cover
    the main ways that I take advantage of to determine fish each online and offline.
    There isn’t any one Indian palate: bread and jam,
    idlis, parathas, eggs, our mornings look as numerous as our tradition. Hallaert immediately objected to
    using the information on the sheet of paper. Promoted by Dabur Group vice-chairman Amit Burman and on-line poker website Adda52, and co-based by Pranav Bagai and Anuj Gupta, the league aims to revolutionise and sport-ify” the cardboard sport by bringing it to the plenty.

    You can each see and listen to other gamers and it lets you feel the lifelike environment of offline poker. With all of the completely different variations and formats of the sport, and so many playing kinds, any article that includes the highest five greatest poker gamers of all time is certain to be extremely subjective and possibly slightly controversial. These apps are particularly designed to suit your Android system’s screen and make it much more pleasant for you to play. A type of restrict poker the place the bets and raises will be between a minimal and most value. On the very lowest finish of the chip market are the very light-weight, 2 gram or so, thin plastic chips that many of us performed with as kids or in high school and school. http://jerrystory.com/UserProfile/tabid/57/userId/3051799/Default.aspx

  4. Medicine Online Order [url=http://fast-shipping-viagra.viaforsale.com]Fast Shipping Viagra[/url] How Amoxicillin Works Acheter Kamagra Livraison 24h [url=http://where-to-order-viagra.viasample.com]Where To Order Viagra[/url] Viagra Preiswert Kaufen Viagra Kaufen Schweiz [url=http://viagra-online-stores.viasample.com]Viagra Online Stores[/url] Cheap Levitra Canadian Pharmacy Canada Meds Online Pharmacy [url=http://accutane.cialpills.com/accutane-pills-online.php]Accutane Pills Online[/url] Glyburide Online No Prescription Accutane And Amoxicillin [url=http://viasamples.com/viagra-online-store.php]Viagra Online Store[/url] Generic Viagra Accepts American Express Levitra Online Pharmacy [url=http://propecia-5mg.propecorder.com]Propecia 5mg[/url] Side Effects Cephalexin Canine

  5. Aw, this was a reallya veryan extremelyan incrediblyan exceptionally nice postgood post. Taking the timeFinding the timeSpending some timeTaking a few minutes and actual effort to make ato create ato produce ato generate a very goodgreatgoodreally goodtop notchsuperb article… but what can I say… I procrastinateput things offhesitate a lota whole lot and neverand don’t seem tomanage to get anythingnearly anything done.

  6. Kaya & Bahagia dengan Property Syariah…
    Beberapa tahun terakhir ini hampir di seluruh dunia sangat
    marak bisnis yang berbau syariah, seperti hotel Halal, Fashion Syar’ie, Wisata Halal, hingga property syari’ah.
    Tak terkecuali di Indonesia pun marak kegiatan bisnis yang
    mengarah kepada sistem syari’ah. Hal ini perlu kita sukuri karena kesadaran masyarakat meningkat tentang pentingnya keberkahan pada sebuah
    bisnis dan kehidupan. Demikian pula pada kebutuhan property, masyarakat sekarang ini cenderung memilih property
    syariah karena dianggap lebih mudah, murah dan aman. Apa sebenarnya perbedaan antara membeli property syariah dan KPR ke bank?

    Berikut adalah penjelasannya secara mudah:
    1. Property syariah lebih menghadirkan keberkahan dalam rumah tangga.
    Terhindar dari akad-akad bathil dan terhindar dari dosa riba ( dosa paling ringan riba adalah seperti seorang anak laki-laki berzina dengan ibu kandungnya
    ( HR. Al Hakim ))
    2. Property syari’ah jauh lebih murah dibandingkan konvensional.
    Perhatikan perhitungan konvensional berikut ini :
    Harga Rp.600.000.000 di angsur 10 tahun dengan DP 30% anda harus mengeluarkan Rp.180.000.000 + Rp.18.500.000 (biaya bank dan notaris).
    Hutang/pinjaman setelah dikurangi DP adalah Rp.420.000.000.
    Dengan suku bunga 10%, angsuran Rp.7.000.000/bln selama 120 bulan, anda harus membayar
    Artinya apa? Untuk membeli rumah seharga Rp.600.000.000
    Anda HARUS mengeluarkan TOTAL uang Rp. 1.038.500.000.
    (Rp.198.500.000 + Rp.840.000.000 )
    Nah bandingkan jika Anda membeli Property syariah? Anda hanya perlu membayar harga rumah nya saja
    dan biaya niotaris. Dari contoh perhitungan diatas, anda berhasil
    menyelamatkan uang sebesar Rp.438.500.000. jadi kenyataannya anda membayar lebih 100%
    dari hutang anda.. sampai disini jelas ya?

    Normalnya, siapapun tidak mau melakukan hal tersebut jika mengerti cara perhitungannya.
    Property syari’ah adalah solusi masa depan bagi
    seluruh ummat. Sangat simple, murah, tanpa ribet, tanpa mikir angsuran panjang, tanpa membebani hidup dan keluarga.

    Jangan sampai salah pilih. Pilih property syari’ah yang bener-bener syar’ie.
    Karena belakangan ini banyak yang mengaku-ngaku property syariah,
    yang penting asal label syariah utk merebut pasar, tapi prakteknya?

    Jauh dari “syari’ah” itu sendiri.
    Bahagiakan keluarga anda dengan berada di lingkungan terbaik..

    Ngaliyan Residence
    Hunian Para Pemakmur Bumi
    by BumiTentrem
    Member Of SyaREA World Hub : 0857 1288 1814

  7. HelloHowdyHiyaHeyWhats upGood dayHi there very nicecool blogwebsiteweb sitesite!! GuyMan .. BeautifulExcellent .. AmazingSuperbWonderful .. I willI’ll bookmark your blogwebsiteweb sitesite and take the feeds alsoadditionally? I amI’m satisfiedgladhappy to findto seek outto search out so manynumerousa lot of usefulhelpful informationinfo hereright here in thewithin the postsubmitpublishput up, we needwe’d likewe want developwork out moreextra strategiestechniques in thison this regard, thank youthanks for sharing. . . . . .

  8. It’s very easysimpletrouble-freestraightforwardeffortless to find out any topicmatter on netweb as compared to bookstextbooks, as I found this articlepostpiece of writingparagraph at this websiteweb sitesiteweb page.

  9. If you wantdesirewish forwould like to increaseimprovegrow your experienceknowledgefamiliarityknow-how onlysimplyjust keep visiting this websiteweb sitesiteweb page and be updated with the latestnewestmost recentmost up-to-datehottest newsinformationgossipnews update posted here.

  10. Quality articlespostsarticles or reviewscontent is the keysecretimportantmaincrucial to attractbe a focus forinviteinterest the userspeopleviewersvisitors to visitgo to seepay a visitpay a quick visit the websiteweb sitesiteweb page, that’s what this websiteweb sitesiteweb page is providing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *