Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.


302,755 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. I used this load to shoot a 240 lb. boar hog that charged me from about 15 yards.First shot into shoulder,second shot in head from about 5 yds. away.Shoulder shot recovered in intestines,measured .397 weighed 96 grains.Head shot recovered in neck,measured .408 weighed 93 grains….excellent performance!!!

  2. Felicidades por los trabajos y, sobre todo, por compartirlos, aca, en México aún se respetan las fotos muy ‘tradicionales’, son pocos los fotógrafos que se atreven a tomar fotos ‘fuera de lo común’; trataré de salirme un poco de ‘la línea’. Un abrazo.

  3. Seria tan amable de comunicarme si existe una comunidad en suiza para compartir habitacion? soy mujer adulta.gracias.vivo en suiza pero quiero compartir.gracias.No me gusra vivur sola quisiera companeras. soy suiza mexicana.espero encontrar y compartir. respondame rapidamente.atentamenteklahr

  4. I maintain, as stated in the post, that his premises are built on falsehoods and misdirections; and I maintain that his purpose is an unreasonable assault on copyright. As you will see throughout my comments, I am very critical of Westerners fighting for rights they already have. Where there is an illusion of revolution, there is usually an ulterior motive. Thank you for posting.

  5. I’m impressed, I must say. Seldom do I encounter a blog that’s both equally educative and engaging, and without a doubt, you’ve hit the nail on the head. The issue is something that not enough folks are speaking intelligently about. Now i’m very happy I stumbled across this in my search for something regarding this.

  6. It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’d most certainly donate to this brilliant blog!
    I guess for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.
    I look forward to new updates and will share this
    site with my Facebook group. Chat soon!

  7. Hola David,me gusto mucho el blog tengo 18 años y apenas hace poco descubrí la lectura en verdad me gusta mucho leer, pero en ocasiones creo que no llego a nada o todas las ideas que forme se quedan volando y después las olvido, pero con estos consejos que acabo de leer, pienso me servirán mucho, gracias.

  8. When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is
    added I get several e-mails with the same comment.

    Is there any way you can remove people from that service?
    Bless you!

  9. The Bush administration may actually convince me that “free trade” is bad. In any event, I am with the NYT on this one. Bush takes away our civil liberties claiming it is necessary to fight terrorism without any basis to back it up and yet is prepared to turn our ports over to a country with well established terrorist ties without a full fledged and transparant investigation concerning whether this impacts security. It has nothing to do with racism or xenophobia and everything to do with the way this administration uses a double standard to screw the citizens of this country while helping out his corporate pals.

  10. Wow, marvelous blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your web site is magnificent, let alone the content!. Thanks For Your article about Pilates melhora postura de crianças, respeita e estimula o desenvolvimento natural da coluna | Vittalisa .

  11. I’m really impressed along with your writing talents and also with the layout to your blog. Is this a paid topic or did you modify it your self? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to peer a nice blog like this one these days.

  12. The fiduciary obligation analogy is at least imprecise (as you concede), and I fail to see how repeatedly citing the preamble to the Constitution (or nodding vaguely toward Aristotle and Ben Franklin) adds to a discussion that fundamentally concerns moral obligation. It is a question of morality, but the DISCUSSION has nothing to do with morality. Caplan has no conception of morality and therefore cannot engage moral arguments.

  13. Heya this is kinda of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding skills so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!

  14. Hey very cool web site!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Superb .. I will bookmark your web site and take the
    feeds also? I am satisfied to find a lot of helpful info
    right here in the submit, we want work out extra techniques on this regard, thank you for sharing.
    . . . . .

  15. >dominiquedans le cas des Brontë, le tréma n’est pas fonctionnel au sens de la séparation de voyelles contigües. Mais ce pourrait être une solution à généraliser pour repérer les rares occurrences d’un ‘e’ final qui sont non muettes en anglais (Antigonë, catastrophë, hypallagë, recipë, strophë etc.) et toutes prononcées ‘i’

  16. 2-3 días, lo mínimo para visitar Tokio. A partir de ahí, lo que quieras que dure la visita. La ciudad tiene tantas caras como barrios. Como dices, aquel que le guste la tecnología puede pasar un día entero en Akihabara, al que le guste ir de compras se puede pasar un día entero recorriendo las callejuelas y las tiendas de recuerdos de Asakusa. La ciudad es interminable. El punto y final a la visita se lo pone uno mismo, hasta donde quiera llegar.

  17. hola NI, veo que dijiste algo muy cierto: “es cierto que la homotoxicología y la acupuntura deben aprobar mas evidencia para ocupar su lugar que tanto trabajo les costo a las demás ciencias.”si en verdad ellas curan, deberan de mostrar con evidencia cientifica lo que avalan y entonces si estaremos hablando de ellas como medicina.en cuanto alo de Randhi tenia entendido que hasta el mes pasado iba a ofrecer el premio, desconosco si siga vigente, aunque tengo entendido que existen organizaciones similares que ofrecen dinero tambien.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *