Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.

 

7,775 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. 厨房是餐饮服务行业的主要组成部门,其管理程度直接制约着餐饮企业的发展。下面给大家总结一些对于怎么做好厨房管理的方式。分为原料&#21

  2. I just came across this post. I find it interesting that once again conventional medicine is not recognizing this connection. Shouldn’t drug and alcohol treatment centers along with ob-gyns know about this? Also, the anxiety issue. I did not realize there was a direct correlation with progesterone deficiency which many women experience in their peri-menopausal years.Do you know if any more studies have come out since this post?

  3. My biggest kitchen disaster occurred when I was putting the coffee away one morning. I have no idea what my brain was doing, but it was not communicating with the rest of my body. I had a brand new cannister of coffee and when I went to put it away, for some reason I didn’t fasten the lid securely and of course, I lost my grip and the entire thing flipped over. I had coffee grounds in the cabinet, on, under, around all my small appliances and the floor…ah, the floor. That was such a mess.

  4. Rights and freedoms do not come from government,they come from God who always give a godless,reprobate people over to the darkness they have embraced by rejecting Him !I getting harder to ignore the fact that once blessed America is now a cursed land.The deceived and the deceiver are His.17 He leads counselors away plundered,And makes fools of the judges…He leads princes away plundered,And overthrows the mighty…He makes nations great, and destroys them;Job 12

  5. Undeniably believe that which you said. Your favorite justification seemed to be on the
    internet the simplest thing to be aware of.
    I say to you, I certainly get annoyed while people think about worries that they plainly don’t know
    about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top
    and also defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people could take a signal.

    Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

  6. Un plat plein de parfums et de saveurs qui met en avant le superbe mariage de l’abricot et de la lavande dans une version salée totalement inhabituelle. Cela me fait penser que j’ai un paquet de riz aux soucis qui ne demande qu’à être utilisé. Tu me donnes une idée.

  7. олегКласна відмазка ,але достатньо щоб це разок їм зійшло з рук і так піде й поїде …

  8. I’ll have to take a look at these new features. The ability to spin up a web role or service role and use an onsite VM with legacy software would be a nice feature. I’m not entirely sure how useful it will be at this point however. I only recently started using EC2 because they offered persistent storage for their VM’s. I think the VM feature will be a bit useless because we still have to rewrite parts of our legacy applications to store data on a blob if we aren’t using Azure SQL services.

  9. that democracy as structured will not function effectively if the people themselves lack certain attributes or values.Whatever the makeup of our constitution I guarantee it will not function properly because “we the people” lack the cultural value system or ideological makeup to make it work. We will always find ways to scam the system.The “Opposition” cannot work as it is now because they lack credibility. The “Opposition” could not work before because it was led by a discredited failure who mismanaged the economy and failed at…

  10. I wonder what the 2011 Harley lineup of ashtrays and clocks are going to look like? I need a new clock and I just got the new 2010 line of Harley panties. I sure hope they can get next years line of bikes to even sound badder. I love the new black paint job as it is less chrome for me to polish before I go out riding around the block.

  11. Hey would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re working with?
    I’m looking to start my own blog soon but I’m having
    a tough time selecting between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal.
    The reason I ask is because your layout seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something unique.
    P.S Apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

  12. Annuities as a whole are not bad. However annuitizing an anuinty is absolutely nuts. Some annuities now have what are called living benefits. These allow you to draw money and yet still have a death benefit for your heirs. After the market fall in 2000-2001 their were annuities out there that may only have a contract value of 75,000 and yet a death benefit of 500,000. These new living benefit annuities were put into place to protect against this happening. More details upon request.

  13. If you aint wearing a Hi Top Fade, a Afro Fade, Brades, or Lockes, its like you don’t like being Black African.Lets put the ceasor cut or brush cut to death RIP,(got so many old and young black men going bald)Ups to all the yougin wearin hi top fades these days and not this ceasar haircut

  14. I love the contrast of the cactus in white matte vases. So i was thinking i want to try the gift swap with you but in order for it to be fun maybe we should come up with a questions to answer each other about what we are into in the moment. Maybe i could be handmade or something indie or thriftedor recreated from scratch. I need to think hard.

  15. Hey there I am so happy I found your web site, I really found you by mistake, while I was looking on Aol for something else, Regardless I am here now and would just like to say thanks for a marvelous post and a all round enjoyable blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to browse it all at the minute but I have book-marked it and also added in your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read more, Please do keep up the superb work.

  16. “Benjamin Freedman (Woodbury Soap Company), for one, had a much stronger take on the Zionist influence on getting Wilson to change his tune …”Yeah — but scanning a few links makes it clear that Benjamin Freedman was an anti-semitic nut job.I even allowed for the possibility that he’d merely been labeled an anti-semitic nutjob. I looked at some of his writing. He was an anti-semitic nut job.

  17. Woah! I’m really loving the template/theme of this site. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s tough to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and appearance. I must say that you’ve done a amazing job with this. In addition, the blog loads extremely quick for me on Firefox. Exceptional Blog!

  18. I am just commenting to let you be aware of what a superb experience my cousin’s princess enjoyed visiting the blog. She noticed lots of pieces, most notably how it is like to have a very effective giving heart to get many more clearly know just exactly some problematic topics. You really surpassed our own expected results. I appreciate you for producing those productive, dependable, educational and as well as cool tips about that topic to Mary.

  19. “Pathei Mathos “(knowledge comes from suffering ) and the ancient greek philosopher Solon said “call no man happy unitl he is dead”implying you mus’nt judge these things until you can review their entire life .Lesson:” believe half of what you see and nothing of what you hear” Why do we always hurt the ones we love most?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *