Feeling all the Feels

IMG_6072Are you a bottler? I’m a bottler. I stuff and stuff and avoid and minimize and all of the usual psychological jargon that goes along with not wanted to deal with big emotions. Ok, I’m not that bad. I’m a recovering bottler who still gets caught in that trap of “it’s easier not to deal with this right now”. But lately there are big things- big, heavy, sad things- that I am avoiding. I can talk about it a little and be physically present, but please don’t ask me to feel. Not something this raw. Death hurts. Who wants to hurt? So this is where I get caught up. I could allow myself to process slowly and in privacy. I could be the stalwart and put on my therapist hat and let everyone else come to me with their grief while I quietly dust away my own. But do you know who that is doing a giant disservice to? A) Me. B) My husband C) My babies. Yup, now I got you. Cause ain’t nobody going to hurt our babies.

My daughter is almost five years old, and if you haven’t raised a 4-year old girl before well then just imagine a cross between your emotional teenage self, a Miss America contestant, a horrible stand-up comedian and your annoying aunt who “really can’t understand why you got that horrible tattoo”. Four is emotional. Four feels alllllll the feels. Deeply, passionately and sometimes all at once. This also makes the 4-year old incredibly sweet and tender. We lost our sweet black lab, Layla to canine cancer a few months ago, and somehow my girl really had it in her head that Layla was going to come back. That is until two weeks ago, where one night at bedtime it hit her. She suddenly had a very big girl understanding of death and its finality, at least in an earthly sense. And the next thing my husband and I knew was that we could hear the sobs from her bedroom all the way downstairs. My husband went up first only to come back down ten minutes later. “She’s crying because she misses Layla and she knows that she is never coming back. She wants you.” She wanted me. So I trod slowly up the stairs and down the hallway to her room.

“Hi (sob) Mama. Mama (sob) do you know why I’m crying?”

“Why are you crying, Baby?”

“Because I miss Layla…..”  And that was it. There was nothing to be said or explained. She just needed to cry and grieve and hurt for her beloved Mama dog who she had loved and who had loved her. So I held her and wiped her hot tears and pushed her damp hair away from her cheeks. And soon my own tears joined hers, as I finally found the space and the trigger that I had needed to grieve my grandma. When I realized the similarity in our sadness I whispered to her, “You know how Layla girl died because she had a tumor in her tummy?” My daughter nodded. “Well Great-Grandma is about to go to Heaven too because she has the exact same kind of cancer. I bet when she gets to Heaven and finds Layla that they are both going to eat all of the amazing food they can because their stomachs won’t be hurting from cancer anymore. And then they can keep each other company until you and I join them again.” Well that revelation seemed to comfort her as much as it comforted me. I held her close until her cries became sniffles and her sniffles turned in to the deep breaths of sleep.

On Friday morning at 5am my grandma joined our loved ones who have already said goodbye to this world. She joined some of her best friends. She joined her great aunt. She joined my Layla pup. And she left behind my mom. She left behind me and my siblings who were her only grandkids and therefore the recipients of incredible amounts of spoiling love over our lifetimes. She left behind my grandpa with Alzheimer’s who shared with her the most beautiful and tender goodbye that I will ever ever witness. My grief comes in waves. It’s raw and angry and often gets in the way of simple daily tasks. But for my children’s sakes I am doing my best to be present with it. If I am going to tell my daughter that it is alright for her to express her emotions and to cry when she needs to cry and shout when she needs to shout, then I had better be ready to do the same. If I am going to raise my son to be tender and sensitive then I better be sensitive too. And not just with his feelings, but with my own.

You know how when your husband or your sister or your best friend comes to you with baggage you let them air it all out? You encourage them to talk it through, justifying their feelings and listen sympathetically. We deserve to treat ourselves with the same compassion and care. If you’re hurting tonight, you’re not alone. Give yourself permission to feel. Deep down we all carry a piece of that 4-year old with us. And that’s OK. It really is OK.


277,830 thoughts on “Feeling all the Feels”

  1. We are referring to your base of cash flow right here.

    For example, you maybe the boss of a company and suspect your employee is abusing his or her phone privileges.
    The top element may be the mobile spy software
    program performs on all phones which includes i – Phone, android, and

  2. The Samsung Galaxy portal is an Android phone, which was designed for budget conscious users.1.burkepublications. [url=http://www.cheapajvii.com]jordan vii[/url] Similarly, you have to treat your ears like security gates that are protecting you from the garbage that tries to enter your mind.An S&P utility sector index ended the day down 0.Most of the earth is covered by water, and there a wide range of unique water animals that can be observed when you get Shedd aquarium tickets. [url=http://www.cheapaj11.com]cheap air jordan 11[/url] WsBut you can learn 9 guaranteed ways to raise SAT test scores by following other successful students.of presses each month, for wherever was the absolute maximum herd pulled apart to your website, what on earth is your common press for each one of a kind visitor and what ended up the search phrases accustomed to obtain your blog via search engines like yahoo. [url=http://www.cheapallmichaeljordanshoes.com]all michael jordan shoes[/url] I fallen with regards to Two to three tanks per month..Saucony shoes omni >>> [url=http://www.cheapjordan12forsaleonline.com]cheap jordan 12 for sale[/url] Mr Tackie-Komme explained that for effective de-centralised system to be operational the tenets of good governance, prudential use of human capital and natural resources must be maximised for the welfare of the people.One of the reasons why people tend to outsource the task of building links for their website is because it is time consuming and is not an easy job to do.Due to the enhancement of communication in the recent past, this forex forum assists the traders capitalize on collective intelligence of the entire group of forex traders. [url=http://www.cheapaj10.com]jordan 10[/url]

  3. Ԍood day very coоl web site!! Guuy .. Exϲellent .. Superb ..
    I will bookmark your blog and take the feeds additionally…I’m satisfied tο seek оut numerous helpful information right here
    within the submit, we want work out more techniques in this
    regаrd, thank you for sharing.

  4. File PDF của mình upload lên có tiêu đề bằng Tiếng Việt, vì vậy nếu bạn cài PDF phiên bản cũ sẽ không thể mở được File đó, bạn nên rename File đó thành ký tự không có dấu hoặc cài phiên bản PDF 8.0 là được

  5. We are referring to your base of cash flow right here.
    They offer features like Two Wash Courses (Gentle &
    Normal Wash, twin water inlets, spin shower, two wash courses (Gentle and Normal wash), and
    wheels for easy mobility in some models. Do you
    suspect that your employee is performing something mistaken with your enterprise.

  6. As mentioned, Wholesale Jerseys From China the first step on winning is by selecting your own combinations. Losing sight of what you want to ultimately achieve is going to make your target go further away, so, stay focused. However, you should know that the majority of your competitors barely bother to take care of their teams on a personal level. The office is open only from 9am to 4pm so it is important to come early.
    Looking for Fresno County Arrest Log? We can help you but let us recommend o

  7. Hello there, I discovered your web site by means of Google
    whilst looking for a comparable topic, your web site got here up, it seems great.
    I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
    Hello there, just was aware of your weblog thru Google, and found that it’s truly informative.

    I’m gonna watch out for brussels. I’ll appreciate if you continue this in future.
    Lots of other folks might be benefited from your writing.


  8. I’m currently running Windows Server 2003, PHP 5.0.4and the only problem I had with the templates was with gallerylimits.php (see entries 50-52). The problem was fixed in template version 1.0.3I had to change php.ini to set the document root:-doc_root = c:\\inetpub\\wwwroot\\my_web_site_root_directory\\and setcgi.force_redirect = 0fastcgi.impersonate = 1one other thing to check is that when setting your custom errors in IIS to make sure that the message type is ‘URL’

  9. hello there and thank you for your information – I have definitely picked up
    something new from right here. I did however expertise some technical
    points using this website, as I experienced to reload the website many times previous to I could get
    it to load properly. I had been wondering if your web hosting is OK?
    Not that I am complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will sometimes affect your placement
    in google and could damage your high quality score if advertising and marketing with
    Adwords. Anyway I am adding this RSS to my email and
    can look out for much more of your respective fascinating content.

    Ensure that you update this again very soon.

  10. If this is true then results may be skewed or perhaps the writer might be struggling to draw any sensible conclusions.
    Understand this issue – While writing the essay, the very first thing you have to do is usually to define this issue.

    Remember that if you’re new at college you’ll only improve
    in case you practice, so work hard on every single assignment as
    you will end up improving your academic ability as a copywriter with each

  11. Ari, This is a wonderful video. Your perspective on older women and style is so refreshing. We need to celebrate the look of the older women and stop making it seem like if you get wrinkles go hide under a rock. You are a pioneer in this field and I applaud you. Thank you for opening eyes to see beauty is far more than skin deep.

  12. A division published in the wallpaper Ballast Reviews organize that foyde.bellezza.amsterdam people also take possession of note of done with to overestimate how many calories they chuck when they workout. As a less, participants typically overcompensated after their fula.bellezza.amsterdam workouts through eating more calories than they burned.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *