An anchor for my soul

I had something else in my mind to write about tonight. Something other than what you will instead find in the space below. When I’m in the shower or driving and inspiration for a post strikes I jot it down. But having more ideas than time means that the list is getting longer. This frustrates me because I have the supreme adversity of being a postpartum, type B perfectionist. All that means is that every time I actually get the drive and inspiration to write, something (like a nursing baby) takes higher priority the second I sit down. But when circumstances for writing are perfect the free spirit in me rises up and shakes her chains and says “nope, you’re not writing tonight.” And then because I’m a perfectionist I chide myself for being a “bad blogger”. Such is life.   So I walked out into my backyard tonight to water the garden before settling in to write about a, b, or c topic on my aforementioned list but immediately I knew my fingers and toes and chest and belly were rising up with a story of their own. Because the moment my feet hit the grass on my walk to the garden the wind picked up and my whole body reacted to its meaning: change.

Fall is blowing in. A new season. Already, my mind asks? My baby was born in the winter, on the cusp of spring, but still two seasons ago. I wholeheartedly welcome the fall time in the Pacific Northwest. Autumn is my soul sister. But already? My son will be 6 months old this week. Half of a rotation. Half of a year. He sits up unassisted and babbles constantly, rolls across the floor or bed to what he wants. And in the same way that he was born, he greets the world face up, always joyfully grasping at life. And while I welcome days of more sleep and more independence I also crave the feeling of wrinkled newborn feet beneath my fingers. Every emotion that I didn’t yet have words for overwhelmed me in the face of this evening’s wonderfully cool breeze. I looked at my garden and took in its growth and ripeness, so close to harvest. Behind me the maple was tossing its first leaves to the ground. The first year postpartum is so much like the changing seasons. Somehow each day that lasts an eternity is over when we blink our eyes. We simultaneously love and hate the feedings and bathing and changings and forget to look up until the breeze hits our skin and suddenly we’re staring at the stars.

One of most overwhelming parts about the first year after our child’s birth is the sheer constancy of change. Just when we think we have a handle on something the rug is pulled out from beneath us. It’s really hard to feel like you’ve figured something out with your baby only to have a new milestone disrupt it two days later. Did you hear me? I said it’s HARD. It’s frustrating and exhausting and can leave you feeling really, truly powerless. Mamas, I am giving you permission to admit that all of this change is rough stuff. And I’m also going to let you in on another well-kept secret…it doesn’t exactly stop as they get older. There is always going to be change. Longer legs don’t just mean new clothes and a bigger bed. Longer legs can carry small bodies up and down stairs. Longer legs mean growing pains, and new words, and then school. Friendships and hurt feelings.  Eye exams and allergies. Every season will bring nuances to our kids that we love and some that we don’t really understand or care for.  But this first year is by far the most intense. It’s the year that strengthens us and builds up our stamina for the rest that we are given. It’s also the year that we fall unabashedly in love with our children. So much in love that on days when we are pulling our hair out because yesterday’s “get the baby to nap” trick fails we swallow our tears and keep at it. Love that shows us a bit more of what our Father’s love for us feels like.

Tonight as I swallowed the tightness in my chest God told me to press in to my fear and exhaustion. He gave me permission to feel it and explore its roots. But once I was done, I knew I was supposed to surrender. To bring my broken mothering and my broken offering to His feet where I could be embraced just as I embrace my son and daughter. With a ferocity of unconditional love. I have a ballast in Him. An anchor for my soul, and security that unlike everything else around me cannot be moved. Press in, dear ones. There is strength and peace to be found in every season. Even in the very hardest ones.

 

9,275 thoughts on “An anchor for my soul”

  1. https://twitter.com/OsokinTimur/status/1041822787961282560

    Действующие лица: Ведущий, Карабас-Барабас, Дуремар, Мальвина, Артемон, Пьеро, Кот Базилио, Лиса Алиса, Буратино, Мудрая Сова
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    1. Ведущий: (говорит краткое приветствие) Дорогие друзья! Поздравляю Вас с началом нового учебного возраст! Мне хотелось бы поздравить всех, который пришел на выше праздник: родителей, педагогов, умудренных опытом школьников старших классов и наше молодое пополнение: 1-й комната!!! У них сегодня особый день. Первый некогда в застрельщик комната! А это — знак образования — Мудрая Сова!

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    Куклы: Постойте! Постойте! А нас забыли!
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    Мальвина: О, ужас! Он пропал!
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    Ведущий: Вроде пропал? Он попал в беду? Сколько же вы причитаете, можете хотя что-нибудь объяснить?

  2. 中国人对动物,一贯欺软怕硬。熊虎英武,于是比之于上将;猪羊听话,就可怜被磨刀霍霍。猪的形象,被天蓬元帅八戒一托生,就此奠定。&#36

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  5. ハイジさん、こんにちは。子宮外妊娠、大変でしたね。まだ半年くらいしかたっておられないとのこと、ホルモンの関係もあってしんどい思いをされているのかなとも思いました。私は多のう胞、無月経の体質だったため、不妊治療で子供を授かりました。人工受精は8回くらい、体外受精は採卵が2回、胚移植は3回でした。治療中は流産を2回経験しています。ハイジさんと同様、治療に専念するため退職しました。今振り返ってみると、一番気持ちが落ち込んでいたのは、最初の胚移植の直前でした。OHSSを避けるために1クール空けて、胚盤胞での移植だったのですがその間本当にブルーになって。ちょうど母親が入院していたこともあり、とてもとても落ち込んでいました。周りから見ても様子がおかしかったのか、いろんな人から「治療をお休みしたら出来るかも」とか「病院をやめたら授かった人がいるよ」などと励ましてもらったのですが、自分は自然妊娠を望めない体だったのでさらにズドーーンと落ち込み、、、、頑張って治療しているのを否定されたような気持ちになってしまっていました。今思えば、みんな良かれと思って言ってくれていたのはわかるのですが、半端ない精神状態でした。その時は結局、着床はしたけれど流産してしまいました。次のチャレンジのとき、凍結胚だったので採卵がなく、排卵誘発の注射はせずに、卵胞ホルモンの補充(貼り薬)だけで済んだのですがえっ、すごいラク!!と思って。一気にモチベーションが上がったんです。やっぱり自分は注射に疲れていたんだ、、、としみじみ自覚しました。ストレスがかからないように心がけていたつもりでしたが、やっぱり負担になっていたようです。その後、少し周りを見る気持ちの余裕が出来てきて自分よりも長く治療している人もいるし、辛い手術を受けた人もいる。卵がとれなかった人もいる。原因の全くわからない人もいる。多のう胞がハッキリしていて、薬で排卵できるなんて私は恵まれている、と気づきました。それと、自分が治療をしているのは自分の幸せのためで、今日も病院に幸せを掴みに行くのだ!と考えられるようになりました。病院に行った帰りにはカフェで休憩したり、図書館に行ったりして、働かなくても食べていけることにすごく感謝できるようになりました。私は治療を経て子どもを授かることができましたが、40代ですので、周りには頑張っても授からなかった方がたくさんいます。私も、お友達も、ずーっと頑張り続けたわけではなく時々落ち込んだり、お休みしたり、家族に当たり散らしたり、山あり谷ありです。33歳なら、私の感覚ではまだまだお若いです。続けるのも、お休みされるのも、ゆっくり考えてくださいね。ハイジさんに、力が湧いてきますように。お祈りしています。1f46

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