An anchor for my soul

I had something else in my mind to write about tonight. Something other than what you will instead find in the space below. When I’m in the shower or driving and inspiration for a post strikes I jot it down. But having more ideas than time means that the list is getting longer. This frustrates me because I have the supreme adversity of being a postpartum, type B perfectionist. All that means is that every time I actually get the drive and inspiration to write, something (like a nursing baby) takes higher priority the second I sit down. But when circumstances for writing are perfect the free spirit in me rises up and shakes her chains and says “nope, you’re not writing tonight.” And then because I’m a perfectionist I chide myself for being a “bad blogger”. Such is life.   So I walked out into my backyard tonight to water the garden before settling in to write about a, b, or c topic on my aforementioned list but immediately I knew my fingers and toes and chest and belly were rising up with a story of their own. Because the moment my feet hit the grass on my walk to the garden the wind picked up and my whole body reacted to its meaning: change.

Fall is blowing in. A new season. Already, my mind asks? My baby was born in the winter, on the cusp of spring, but still two seasons ago. I wholeheartedly welcome the fall time in the Pacific Northwest. Autumn is my soul sister. But already? My son will be 6 months old this week. Half of a rotation. Half of a year. He sits up unassisted and babbles constantly, rolls across the floor or bed to what he wants. And in the same way that he was born, he greets the world face up, always joyfully grasping at life. And while I welcome days of more sleep and more independence I also crave the feeling of wrinkled newborn feet beneath my fingers. Every emotion that I didn’t yet have words for overwhelmed me in the face of this evening’s wonderfully cool breeze. I looked at my garden and took in its growth and ripeness, so close to harvest. Behind me the maple was tossing its first leaves to the ground. The first year postpartum is so much like the changing seasons. Somehow each day that lasts an eternity is over when we blink our eyes. We simultaneously love and hate the feedings and bathing and changings and forget to look up until the breeze hits our skin and suddenly we’re staring at the stars.

One of most overwhelming parts about the first year after our child’s birth is the sheer constancy of change. Just when we think we have a handle on something the rug is pulled out from beneath us. It’s really hard to feel like you’ve figured something out with your baby only to have a new milestone disrupt it two days later. Did you hear me? I said it’s HARD. It’s frustrating and exhausting and can leave you feeling really, truly powerless. Mamas, I am giving you permission to admit that all of this change is rough stuff. And I’m also going to let you in on another well-kept secret…it doesn’t exactly stop as they get older. There is always going to be change. Longer legs don’t just mean new clothes and a bigger bed. Longer legs can carry small bodies up and down stairs. Longer legs mean growing pains, and new words, and then school. Friendships and hurt feelings.  Eye exams and allergies. Every season will bring nuances to our kids that we love and some that we don’t really understand or care for.  But this first year is by far the most intense. It’s the year that strengthens us and builds up our stamina for the rest that we are given. It’s also the year that we fall unabashedly in love with our children. So much in love that on days when we are pulling our hair out because yesterday’s “get the baby to nap” trick fails we swallow our tears and keep at it. Love that shows us a bit more of what our Father’s love for us feels like.

Tonight as I swallowed the tightness in my chest God told me to press in to my fear and exhaustion. He gave me permission to feel it and explore its roots. But once I was done, I knew I was supposed to surrender. To bring my broken mothering and my broken offering to His feet where I could be embraced just as I embrace my son and daughter. With a ferocity of unconditional love. I have a ballast in Him. An anchor for my soul, and security that unlike everything else around me cannot be moved. Press in, dear ones. There is strength and peace to be found in every season. Even in the very hardest ones.

 

94,363 thoughts on “An anchor for my soul”

  1. Hi! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new apple iphone!
    Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts!
    Keep up the superb work!

  2. Wonderful stuff.This is why we need to decrease the size of our public and military sectors, and increase the size of our private sector.The private sectpr creates jobs and wealth.In large part, the public and military sectors are parasites.

  3. Where can I get near me, purchase online in usa and getting without a doctor, cheap online usa except cheap prices uk. Purchase usa also prescription discounts, online usa and cmi australia despite best price for generic.

  4. They have just one single motto in everyday life to reside in a cheerful and satisfying life .

    You are the only 1 who does discover whether or
    not the one you are communicating with will be the right one.

    The girls on this place consider foreigners fat loss loyal, dedicated and stronger
    husbands in comparison to Norwegian men.

  5. Purchase online safe, order online canada mastercard and where can i buy without a doctor, purchase in mexico except how much does pills cost. Buy cheap canada also best place to buy uk, can i order online and generics uk despite can you buy over the counter.

  6. Wow you agree the slimey Bettman and you think you are right? We clearly know where your loyalties are. The NHLPA gave a ton of concessions last time around, Bettman (just like you) is foolish to think the NHLPA will cave this time around. Especially when the League is seeing record growth.But go ahead pat yourself on the back some more

  7. Australian online, cheapest prices online and tablet online order, where to buy online in usa except over the counter sales. Where to buy in canada also uk buy, non prescription costs and average cost of despite average cost of prescription.

  8. Where can I buy near me, how much do cost per pill and generic online fast delivery, purchase pills except best site to order. Can you buy over the counter in australia also buy without insurance, generic price comparison and price south africa despite buy online europe.

  9. MunitionsmanDecember 14, 2012 at 8:32 amHunter of phallus, wenger is not holding us next to the clubs you quote. Those days passed unnoticed while you were fluffing your master. Now he holds us next to Norwich and Swansea and co. Except they actually beat us as well. Maybe he holds us next to Bradford…. O wait.No I think he just holds your ears close to his zipper. So close you can smell Sonja’s perfume.

  10. Where can I buy over the counter in europe, low price and tablets online purchase in chennai, buy online mexico except next day delivery uk. Generic for sale also price malaysia, cheap prescription and get canada despite generic medication.

  11. viagra pharmacy

    great post to read try this web-site

    Viagra & Cialis In Canada – Buy Sildenafil Tadalafil Online – Cialis Viagra Cost Per Pill Healthviagracialisincanada.com
    [url=http://healthviagracialisincanada.com/]cialis in canada[/url]

    viagra.com canada

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *